Quotes About Listening

Because when we set out to try to change someone, we are more likely to argue with and attack their story and less likely to listen. This approach increases the likelihood that they will feel defensive rather than open to learning something new. They are more likely to change if they think we understand them and if they feel heard and respected. They are more likely to change if they feel free not to.

difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings.

we have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen.

Listening well is one of the most powerful skills you can bring to a difficult conversation.

It's hard to hear someone else when we are feeling unheard, even if the reason we feel unheard is that we have chosen not to share.

The big three blind spots are tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. The listener is very aware of these, the talker is not.

At work, at home, and across the backyard fence, difficult conversations are attempted or avoided every day.

Wherever you want to go, understanding – imagining yourself into the other person's story – has got to be your first step. Before you can figure out how to move forward, you need to understand where you are. The

She asks questions. She paraphrases what her mother says to make sure she understands it, and to make sure her mother understands that Greta understands. Greta is also listening for the feelings that might be behind what her mother is saying, and acknowledges them when she hears them.

Listening is only powerful and effective if it is authentic. Authenticity means that you are listening because you are curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to. The issue, then, is this: Are you curious? Do you care?

In addition to the stance of curiosity, there are three primary skills that good listeners employ: inquiry, paraphrasing, and acknowledgment.

The heading says it all: inquire to learn. And only to learn. You can tell whether a question will help the conversation or hurt it by thinking about why you asked it. The only good answer is "To learn.

It's Always the Right Time to Listen

Persistence in a difficult conversation means remaining as stubbornly interested in hearing the other person's views as you are in asserting your own.

Saying "I'd like you to pay more attention to me" is more likely to produce a conversation (and a satisfying outcome) than "Is it impossible for you to focus on me just once?

Tell me more" and "Help me understand better . . .

What leads you to say that?" "Can you give me an example?" "What would that look like?" "How would that work?" "How would we test that hypothesis?

You can establish an evaluation-free zone by respecting the following guidelines: share pure feelings (without judgments, attributions, or blame); save problem-solving until later; and don't monopolize.

Listen! Paradoxically, there is also considerable persuasion power in inquiry and listening. As we say in Chapter 9, listening is not just about taking in information. Listening well has an impact on the other person – it quiets their internal voice. When they feel heard and acknowledged, it is easier for them to hear you. And it also lets you know what they care about, which lays the foundation for creative problem solving.

Stop Arguing About Who's Right: Explore Each Other's Stories

Arguing Blocks Us from Exploring Each Other's Stories

First, paraphrasing gives you a chance to check your understanding. Difficult conversations are made harder when an important misunderstanding exists, and such misunderstandings are more common than we imagine. Paraphrasing gives the other person the chance to say, "No, that's not quite what I meant. What I really meant was . .

Arguing Without Understanding Is Unpersuasive

Second, paraphrasing lets the other person know they've been heard. Usually the reason someone repeats himself or herself in a conversation is because they have no indication that you've actually taken in what they've said. If you notice that the other person is saying the same thing over and over again, take it as a signal that you need to paraphrase more.