Quotes About Emotions

Almost universally, non-BPs say they feel manipulated by the BPs in their lives. If the non-BP doesn't do what the BP wants them to do, the BP may threaten

Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook)

The back and forth dance of "keep your distance a little closer" is incredibly frustrating for friends and family.

With BPD, the cause of an argument is not necessarily the actual event but the person with BPD's interpretation of that event. As you probably know, you and the person with BPD may come to very different conclusions about what was said and done.

Hot buttons or triggers are stored-up resentments, regrets, insecurities, anger, and fears that hurt when touched and cause automatic emotional responses. By identifying specific actions, words, or events that seem to trigger emotional reactions—either in you or in the BP in your life—these reactions may be easier to anticipate and manage.

folks with NPD have shallow emotional lives because so much must remain hidden, both from themselves and from others. This shallowness makes them hard to get to know, because there doesn't seem to be much of a real person beneath the façade. This is the opposite of most people with BPD, who feel and express a very wide range of emotions.

Some people with BPD who act out may use a game we call "Tag, You're It" to relieve their anxiety, pain, and feelings of shame. It's complex because it combines shame, splitting, denial, and projection.

The right to say 'no' strengthens emotional boundaries. So does the freedom to say 'yes,' respect for feelings, acceptance of differences, and permission for expression.

They wonder if they have a right to get angry when one of their limits is not observed. Many

People with BPD feel all emotions intensely, not just anger.

Some people with the conventional type of BPD have the opposite problem: they feel unable to express their anger at all.

writes that people with BPD who under-express anger "fear they will lose control if they express even the slightest anger, and at other times they fear that targets of even minor anger expression will retaliate.

Mindfulness is awareness without judgment. As mindfulness researcher Jon Kabat-Zinn notes, mindfulness is "the ability to be aware of your thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and actions—in the present moment—without judging or criticizing yourself or your experience" (2005).

Pay attention to the person's words, body language, expressions, and tone of voice. This will help you validate the person's feelings. People with BPD are not always in touch with their own emotions, and by listening closely you may be able to hear beyond the words and detect the feelings that lie beneath the surface. In

People with BPD often need to feel in control of other people, because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, because they feel vulnerable and afraid, they try to make their world more predictable and manageable by controlling it as much as possible.

Separate your feelings from those of the person with BPD. Earlier in this book, we explained that people with BPD often use projection to try to get others to feel their feelings for them. You may need to keep checking yourself to determine whose feelings are whose. If you start to feel helpless or angry, is it because the other person is projecting his or her own helplessness or anger onto you?

Vulnerability opens us up to being shamed. To someone with BPD, controlling others is a way to ensure that no one can ever shame them. In practice, however, people with BPD often attempt to control others by putting them in no-win situations, creating chaos, or accusing others of trying to control them.

When you or your loved one have an intense reaction to something, chances are good that one of your triggers or "hot buttons" has been pushed.

Reflective listening is another helpful style of communicating where you give the speaker your impression of what he or she is feeling to show you are listening and that you care.

Many people we talked to for this book told us that the person with BPD in their life seemed to be aware of their triggers.

When the person with BPD felt threatened, they consciously or unconsciously protected themselves from painful feelings in ways that pushed these buttons.

Remember, to someone with BPD, making a mistake means being a mistake.)

According to the highly emotional logic of BPD, if they do something terrible to you, and you accept it without complaining or becoming upset, that shows that you care about them. But if you respond in the way that most people would, by expressing your anger or displeasure, that means that you don't really have positive feelings for them.

Minimizing any visible reaction: If the person with BPD knows the button-pushing is having the desired effect—whether consciously or unconsciously—chances are that the behavior will be repeated.