Quotes About Parenting

My heart swells when she walks in, the infant with the round face and enormous eyes reaching out to touch my face, the little girl lifting herself on her tippy-toes to kiss me with a PBJ-smudged face, the teenager slicing the air with her hand as she argued the merits of alternative-energy incentives at the state debate finals.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

Parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

Until about 1970 when parents beat their children to death they very often escaped punishment. They would be prosecuted if it was clear and deliberate murder, but if a parent slapped or shook a child and the child died and the parent said the kid fell down the steps, the police virtually never followed up.

New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi.

New Rule: For at least the next generation, the Crocodile Hunter clan has to leave nature alone. This week, the late Steve Irwin's youngest son was bitten by a boa constrictor. Authorities don't know exactly what went wrong, but they think the accident might have happened when a bunch of idiots let a four-year-old fuck around with a giant snake.

Calvin: Dad where do babies come from? Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin: I came from Sears? Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart - almost as good and a lot cheaper!

I'd hate to have a kid like me.

Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.

Calvin is hammering nails into coffee table. Mom: CALVIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFFEE TABLE?!? Calvin: Is this some sort of trick question, or what?

Mothers are the necessity of invention.

Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.

Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I cant find them. Mom: I haven't seen them. Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!

Barney's Dad was really bad so Barney hatched a plan when his dad said Eat your peas. Barney shouted no and ran Barney tricked his mean old dad and locked him in the cellar Barney's Mom never found out where he'd gone, Cause Barney didn't tell her. There his dad spent his life eating mice and gruel With every bite for fifty years he was sorry he'd been cruel

CALVIN, yelling: I don't wanna take a bath. I HATE taking baths. CALVIN, screaming: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa CALVIN, being aggressively carried upstairs by Mom: NO NO NO NO NO no NO no NO NO no no no NO NO NO NO no NO no CALVIN, now in the bathtub, grinning: They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity.

CALVIN: I don't WANNA take a bath! I don't WANNA take a bath! You can't make me! CALVIN (As mom carries him to the tub): Aghh! Leggo! Leggo!! No No No No No No No! Put me down! CALVIN (Now in the tub): I wish I was dead! I hate you all! I hate everything. AARRGGHHH! MOM (Dripping wet. Talking to her husband.): Whenever I hear about people trying to rediscover the child within, I want to scream.

Calvin's Mom walks in on him. On the carpet he's been smashing rocks with a baseball bat. Mom freaks out. MOM: What on earth would make you DO something like that? CALVIN: Poor genetic material? Mom slaps her head with one hand; while her other hand expresses an almost uncontrollable rage. Now he's in his room, evidently in time out. CALVIN: Bad guess.

It's not the sins of the father but rather the grief of the mother that is so damaging.

My mother used to say that a son is a son until he gets married—then he's a husband—but a daughter is a daughter for life.

This hotel-the Amazon- was for women only, and they were mostly girls my age with wealthy parents who wanted to be sure their daughters would be living where men couldn't get at them and deceive them.

A man doesn't have a worry in the world, while I've got a baby hanging over my head like a big stick, to keep me in line.

Why honey, don't you want to get dressed? My mother took care never to tell me to do anything. She would only reason with me sweetly, like one intelligent, mature person with another.

My mother took care never to tell me to do anything. She would only reason with me sweetly, like one intelligent, mature person with another.

I don't know what's the trouble with children these days. They seem to get worse and worse.