Quotes About Children

Children when they ask you why your mama so funny say she is a poet she don't have no sense

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

It was funny, Skip thought, how much attention children demanded the first few years of their lives and how hard adults strove ever after to get their attention.

I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages... a chain of them.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.