Quotes About Behavior

What surprised me the most when I was growing up was how little other people seemed to understand or even think about the connection between feelings, thinking, and behavior. I remember often thinking, Oh, God. Do you not see this coming? I didn't feel smarter or better, just weirder and pained by the amount of hurt that we are capable of causing one another. The observation powers were partly survival and partly how I'm wired.

Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between "I am bad" (shame) and "I did something bad" (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors

But if their behaviors are not okay, we set the boundaries: I know this is a tough conversation. Being angry is okay. Yelling is not okay. I know we're tired and stressed. This has been a long meeting. Being frustrated is okay. Interrupting people and rolling your eyes is not okay. I appreciate the passion around these different opinions and ideas. The emotion is okay. Passive-aggressive comments and put-downs are not okay.

I also learned that when you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that's not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I'm not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability.

We all numb. We all have different numbing agents of choice—food, work, social media, shopping, television, video games, porn, booze (from beer in a brown paper bag to the socially acceptable but equally dangerous "fine wine" hobby)—but we all do it. And when we chronically and compulsively turn to these numbing agents, it's addiction, not just taking the edge off.

Apologizing and backing that up with behavior change is normailzed in our organization from onboarding. While some leaders consider apologizing to be a sign of weakness, we teach it as a skill and frame the willingness to apologize and make amends as brave leadership.

What's the difference between shame and guilt? The majority of shame researchers and clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between "I am bad" and "I did something bad." Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.

If we find ourselves addressing the same problematic behaviors over and over, we may need to dig deeper to the thinking and feeling driving those behaviors.

Everyone wants to know why customer service has gone to hell in a handbasket. I want to know why customer behavior has gone to hell in a handbasket. When we treat people as objects, we dehumanize them. We do something really terrible to their souls and to our own.

being very clear about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable.

Shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive behavior than the cure.

Cruelty is cheap, easy, and rampant. It's also chicken-shit.

Evolutionary theory suggests that we should embrace all of our emotions, as each has an important role to play under the right circumstances.

When you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, thats not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I am not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability.

What we are teaches the child more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.

it is less about who people are, and more about how they behave and show up in difficult situations. Fear is the emotion at the center of that list of problematic behaviors

You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors." When

the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between "I am bad" and "I did something bad." Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.

The real barrier to daring leadership is our armor—the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that we use to protect ourselves when we aren't willing and able to rumble with vulnerability.

Recognize emotion, and get curious about our feelings and how they connect with the way we think and behave.

Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk—we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs.

Culture is the way we do things around here.

only about 10 percent of organizations have operationalized their values into teachable and observable behaviors

We need to be the adults we want our children to be.