Quotes About Unexpected

As much as you obsess about all the things that can go wrong, it is inevitably something you can't imagine that ends up going wrong. Which justifies worrying about everything just to make sure it's all covered.

And perhaps the sun, in search of novelty, will rise in the west.

one day Satan himself visits, along with his great-grandmother—who is, not surprisingly, a total fucking bitch.

A half roll of Life Savers fused to the pockets, And in yet another, a lone unwrapped mint Had bundled itself in a stole of gray lint.

Weird doors open. People fall into things.

It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.

I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the perfect pet bowls. The mugs were set on the kitchen floor and remained there until the cat chipped a tooth and went on a hunger strike.

I see you that have a little swimming mouse

I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk movies, and I noticed that Rock Hudson towered over everyone, and I typed in How tall was and I saw How tall was Jesus, and I'm like, Sure, and half an hour later you're somewhere you didn't expect to be. It doesn't work that same way in books, does it? Even if you have an encyclopedia, the trail isn't that crazy. I like that aspect of it.

Use the word 'ya'll' and before you knew it, you'd find yourself in a haystack french-kissing an underage goat

But at the end of every show we would realize that true happiness often lies where you very least expect it. It might arrive in a form of a gentle breeze or a handful of peanuts, but when it came, we would seize it with our own brand of folksy wisdom.

Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito.

Either he was suffering a terrible case of gas or he had a pint-size child practicing the trumpet in his back pocket.

Leeches are singing in my asshole.

Finally he was hit by a train while walking, which is strange because trains don't generally sneak up on people. For the most part, barring a derailment, you know exactly where to find them.

Her: So how was your trip in? You: Well, I was originally going to fly, but then this tiger offered to carry me very gently in her mouth. I said OK, but you know what? She wasn't gentle at all. One of her teeth pierced my small intestine, so now, on top of everything else, I have to shit in a bag every day for the rest of my life! Her: Well, that is just awesome. We're all so glad you made it.

Were it not for Sorry! I'd never have known that Kathy's mother shot a kitten in the head.

June 3, 1987 Chicago This afternoon I found a $50 bill in the foyer of the building near the mailboxes. It was folded thin and full of cocaine. Some of it spilled when I opened it up, but there's still plenty left. So that's $50 in cash and around $80 worth of cocaine—$130! If I find $50 every day, I won't need to get a job.

I checked The Oxford Book of Canadian Short Stories out of the library. One of the entries in it is titled "The Day I Sat with Jesus on the Sundeck and a Wind Came Up and Blew My Kimono Open and He Saw My Breasts.

I generally start the conversation immediately, that way the person wanting a book signed never has to say the things they've stood in line agonizing over, and that they will most likely regret later on. There are exceptions, though. I was in Baton Rouge in late May 2013, when a woman approached, saying, before I had a chance to throw her off balance, "You got me to put my bra back on." I set down my pen. "I beg your pardon?

This was not the adulthood that I had predicted for myself: an author of books, spending a week in Hawaii with his handsome longtime boyfriend before deciding which house to return to. I had wished for it, sure, but I also wished for a complete head transplant.

the worst happens when you least expect it

Do you know you're bleeding? he asked. I had a suspicion. That looks nasty. My apologies. What happened to your forehead? A fork. A fork? Yes, sir. I wish I'd been eating with a spoon. You stabbed yourself with a fork? It flipped. Flipped? The fork. A flipped fork? It flicked my forehead. Pausing in the counting of my change, he gave me a narrow look. That's right, I said. A flipped fork flicked my forehead.

But these people _announced_ their madness . . . they flaunted their insanity, they weren't half mad and half not, curled around a door frame. They were properly mad in the Shakespearean sense, talking sense when you least expected it.