Quotes About Communication

Heldmann believes that things that get in the way of listening include preoccupation with your own point, distracting thoughts, deciding that you already know what the other person is going to say, and twisting the speaker's message to fit your expectations.

They wonder if they have a right to get angry when one of their limits is not observed. Many

But it is our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to.

Some people with the conventional type of BPD have the opposite problem: they feel unable to express their anger at all.

It's useless to debate whether you "should" feel angry, because the fact is that you do. It's your job to tell Sue how you feel. It's Sue's job to tell you how she feels. You don't have to—nor should you—feel it necessary to convince Sue that your way of thinking is best. Instead, you simply need to protect yourself in the future now that you know Sue's attitude about tardiness.

Keeping in mind what not having limits is costing you, think about what you will do when (not if!) your family member plows right through your limits. Make the consequences proportional to the limit.

Pay attention to the person's words, body language, expressions, and tone of voice. This will help you validate the person's feelings. People with BPD are not always in touch with their own emotions, and by listening closely you may be able to hear beyond the words and detect the feelings that lie beneath the surface. In

listening gives you the opportunity to learn.

Generally, "I" statements make people less defensive and more open to exploring a solution to the problem.

Reflective listening is another helpful style of communicating where you give the speaker your impression of what he or she is feeling to show you are listening and that you care.

Many people we talked to for this book told us that the person with BPD in their life seemed to be aware of their triggers.

Every day, we teach people how to treat us by showing them what we will and won't accept, what we refuse to confront, and what we let slide. We may believe that we can make another person's troublesome behavior disappear if we don't make a fuss. But the message we send is, "It worked. Do it again.

According to the highly emotional logic of BPD, if they do something terrible to you, and you accept it without complaining or becoming upset, that shows that you care about them. But if you respond in the way that most people would, by expressing your anger or displeasure, that means that you don't really have positive feelings for them.

persisting for change, and the DEAR (Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce) technique.

Heldmann suggests paraphrasing, or repeating, the key points of the speaker's statements to show that you want to understand what the person is saying. Develop your own style of doing this so it comes across naturally.

When I was in the Peace Corps I never made a phone call. I was in Central Africa I didn't make a phone call for two years. I was in Uganda for another four years and I didn't make a phone call. So for six years I didn't make a phone call, but I wrote letters, I wrote short stories, I wrote books.

If you speak, say little and speak low; don't shout. Truly, this is a most useful saying! — St. Bernardine of Siena,

Love that cares, listens.

No self-acceptance is possible if one is not accepted in a person-to-person relation.

Tugas pertama mencintai adalah mendengar.

The first duty of love is to listen.

We can speak without voice to the trees and the clouds and the waves of the sea. Without words they respond through the rustling of leaves and the moving of clouds and the murmuring of the sea.

It is quite clear that between love and understanding there is a very close link...He who loves understands, and he who understands loves. One who feels understood feels loved, and one who feels loved feels sure of being understood.

Listen to all the conversations of our world, between nations as well as between individuals. They are, for the most part, dialogues of the deaf.