Quotes About Comedy

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech–every now and then she stops to breathe.

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny ' then fall asleep.

Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.

Hetta, we are women. Being stupid about men is our job. If we weren't stupid, we wouldn't have anything to do with them.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

I thought I was funny as a kid.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics it's something to do with the social structure of society.

I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully.

Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female.

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

If you don't yell during labor, you're a fool. I screamed. Oh, how I screamed. And that was just during the conception.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.