Quotes About Comedy

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

Sometimes you watch comedians and feel like they're jerking off in front of you, but they want you to see how big it is.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians.

To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to be more than just funny, and more than just jokes about human gaseousness.

Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.

With While You Were Sleeping, it was so much fun and such a Cinderella story, that I didn't want to do another romantic comedy. I wanted to do the opposite.

I'm not a comedian. I can play off of people, but I'm not that guy. I don't want people being like, 'Yeah, he should have stuck with drama.' It would not be my choice to have critics mumbling that.

Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Stand-up comedy is the most relaxing thing I do. If I want to unwind and de-stress, I go out and do stand-up, often several shows in a night.

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.

I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.

At the end of the day, I want to be part of the same conversation as Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

The best way to do comedy is to not filter yourself, and then you could always fix it later. You want to be able to push the envelope.

One of the funniest lines in my show was written for me by Alan Bursky. I really want to learn this routine!

Even when I was doing theater it was more comedic. Don't get me wrong, I love doing the dramatic and heavy stuff, but I just want to have fun. I want to make people laugh.