Quotes About Comedy

I bet," Lula said. "If it was me I would have been burning out the motor on my intimate appliances.

Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

I cut my eyes to the alley. Ranger was still there, doubled over the steering wheel, shaking with laughter.

Dancing hotdogs don't say shit.

Are you laughing? I can feel you laughing. My life isn't funny!" "Babe, your life should be a prime-time sitcom.

This is a bad idea," Lula said to me. "My nipples are all shrunk up and trying to hide inside my body. It's like what men's gonads do when someone comes at them with a butcher knife. Those suckers abandon ship and there's nothing left but an empty nut sack. Not that I know firsthand. I'm just sayin' what I hear.

Dude," Diesel said. "That's no way to get dessert." Carl snapped to attention. "Eep?" "Cookies," I told him. Carl jumped onto his booster seat, sat ramrod straight, and folded his hands on the table. He was a good monkey. I gave him a cookie, and he shoved it into his mouth. "Manners," Diesel said to him. Carl spit the cookie out onto the table, picked it up, and carefully nibbled at it.

Uh oh," Lula said. "Here comes Officer Hottie, and he don't look happy." Morelli moved behind me and curled his fingers into the back of my jacket collar. "I need to talk to you . . . outside." "I wouldn't go if I was you," Lula said to me. "He's wearing his mad cop face. At least you should make him leave his gun here." Morelli shot Lula a look, and she buried her head in the chicken bucket.

Lula fired off a shot that went wide, and Poletti charged Briggs. Grandma swung her purse just as Poletti swept past her. The big black patent leather bag caught Poletti on the side of the head, and Poletti staggered and crashed to the ground. Ranger cuffed him, and the three cops took over.

You do understand that your life isn't normal, right?' 'Barrel was texting and he stepped off the curb without looking,' I said. 'But you were here,' Morelli said. 'How does it happen that you're always in the precise spot when disaster strikes? Your car's been blown up how many times? And it's never your fault. Remember when you fell off a fire escape into dog diarrhea? And the time you dated a serial killer?' 'I liked that serial killer,' Lula said. 'He could make a damn good pork chop.

You're working with a guy named Tank? He's big. Jesus, Morelli said. I had to fall in love with a woman who works with a guy named Tank. You love me? Of course I love you. I just don't want to marry you.

I hate this," Morelli said. "Why can't I have a girlfriend who has normal problems . . . like breaking a fingernail or missing a period or falling in love with a lesbian?

We've got to get into shape," I said to Lula. "We should go to a gym or something." "I'd sooner set myself on fire.

I could be wrong here," Lula said, "but I think you're dumb as a box of rocks.

How about we cut a hole in your bedspread and punch your head through it," Lula said. "That should be about your size.

You need a real gun," Lula said. "I don't need a real gun. I'm not shooting anyone." "Suppose they shoot at you first?" "I wave my arms in the air, scream like a girl, and run away as fast as I can.

zombie, all you have to do is douse your shop in my stink spray.

My son never eats baloney. He says the stuff in baloney will kill you. I say when? I've got cataracts, high blood pressure, enlarged prostate, skin cancer, hemorrhoids, an artificial hip, false teeth, and gas. Every day I take eleven different pills and a stool softener. And now I'm supposed to worry about baloney.

She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air.

It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They'd just settled their brains for a long winter's nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

There is never hesitation about doing stand-up. It's just me doing my thing. Unlike being in a band or a play or something, I don't have to rely on anyone else but me.

Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.

Unlike 'Deal or No Deal,' which is for the entire family, my standup is not for the entire family.