Quotes About Marriage

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

The average Hollywood film star's ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Jesus was a bachelor and never lived with a woman. Surely living with a woman is one of the most difficult things a man has to do, and he never did it.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

Love yourself, flirt with your understanding, romance your dreams, get engaged with your simplicity, marry authenticity and divorce your ego!

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his longtime girlfriend. I have to say...Charlie Sheen has a longtime girlfriend?

After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Three things are men most likely to be cheated in, a horse, a wig, and a wife.

A good wife comes from God and a good husband comes from the bank.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife.

When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.