Quotes About Understanding

If your child isn't following through, it's probably not because she won't but because she can't.

In the Empathy step, kids practice reflecting on their concerns and expressing those concerns in ways that other people can hear and understand.

In the Define Adult Concerns step, kids practice listening to another person's concerns (what many of us refer to as empathy), taking another person's perspective, and appreciating how their behavior is affecting others.

Plan B consists of three steps, each containing ingredients that are crucial to the collaborative resolution of problems: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step.

The goal of the Empathy step is to gather information from your child to understand what's making it difficult for them to meet a certain expectation. If you don't gather that information, the problem will remain unsolved. Just like the rest of us, kids have legitimate concerns: hunger, fatigue, fear, the desire to buy or do certain things, the tendency to avoid things that are scary or that make them uncomfortable or at which they don't feel competent.

Kids who are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed tend to be far less receptive to hearing the concerns of their caregivers. Over time, such kids also become far less receptive to talking to their parents.

I've noticed that . . ." and ends with the words "What's up?

I've noticed that it's been difficult for you to stick with the thirty-minute time limit on playing video games. What's up?

the child's initial response seldom provides a clear understanding of their concern or perspective, so you're going to need to probe for more information. I call this probing process "drilling," and there's no doubt that drilling is the hardest part of all of Plan B.

Strategy #1: Reflective listening—simply saying back to the child whatever they just said to you—often followed by clarifying statements, like "How so?" or "I don't quite understand" or "I'm confused" or "Can you say more about that?" or "What do you mean?" This is your default drilling strategy, and the one you'll be using most often.

Strategy #3: Asking about the situational variability of the unsolved problem; in other words, why is the child meeting the expectation sometimes and not other times?

Strategy #5: Breaking the unsolved problem down into its component parts.

conclusions about each other's motives or thoughts. Others have referred to this pattern as psychologizing or mind reading

Strategy #6: Making a discrepant observation. This is where you're making an observation that differs from information that the child has already provided in the Empathy step.

by making appropriate, corrective statements to set the record straight ("Dad, I don't think that's true at all"), a kid with concerning behaviors may not have those skills and may therefore become extremely frustrated in the face of these inaccuracies.

Some adults, having now made some headway toward understanding their kids' concerns, have difficulty resisting the temptation to revert to form by being dismissive or offering solutions, thereby ending the problem-solving process.

Speculation is a no-win proposition. Solving problems collaboratively is a win-win proposition.

I wonder if there's a way for us to help you find the words to start each section . . ." (that was the kid's concern) ". . . and still make sure you get some practice at doing that so it won't always be so hard for you and so that you can express your really good ideas" (that was the adult's concern).

Many parents, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the Invitation step. This means that just as they are at the precipice of actually collaborating on a solution, they impose a solution. Too often we assume that the only person capable of coming up with a good solution to a problem is the adult.

You sure you can do that? Let's make sure we come up with a solution we can both do").

it's good for the kid and adult to acknowledge that the problem may require additional discussion, because there's actually a decent chance that the first solution won't solve the problem durably.

While it's tempting to focus on your child's behaviors, in this book we'll be focusing instead on the expectations they are having difficulty meeting that are causing those behaviors. That crucial distinction is going to make a world of difference.

Adults sometimes become impatient in the midst of Plan B and head for Plan A or Plan C.

Plan B consists of three steps or ingredients: The Empathy Step: Gathering information about and understanding what's making it hard for your child to meet a given expectation. The Define Adult Concerns Step: Being specific about why it's important that the expectation be met (how the problem is affecting the kid and/or others). The Invitation Step: Collaborating with your child to find a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory.