Quotes About Understanding

That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way." —DORIS LESSING Ordinary

That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way." —DORIS LESSING

Becoming defensive or counterattacking simply reinforces the idea that you think these people are wrong and unimportant (and stupid), which amplifies their mirror neuron gap and fuels their fire. When you make a counterintuitive move and encourage them to talk, you do the opposite: You mirror respect and interest, and they feel compelled to send the same message back.

Move a person from hostility to mild confusion and already you've moved one step in the right direction.

you will deal, every day, with people who have "mirror neuron gaps" because the world isn't giving back to them what they're putting out. (My guess, in fact, is that this is a nearly universal condition of humankind.) Understanding a person's hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you'll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life.

It is not a guilt tripping, it is empathy training

An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment

1. Recognize that the person you're dealing with isn't able to think rationally in the current situation.

3. Realize that the crazy behavior isn't about you. Instead, it's all about the person you're dealing with.

4. Talk with the irrational person, leaning into his crazy by entering his world calmly and with intention.

5. Show the person that you are an ally rather than a threat by listening calmly and empathetically as he vents.

Your task, if you're facing a person who's running amok, is to break that lock. How? By talking the person up gradually from "I want to hurt someone" to "I'm terribly upset" to "I need to find a smart way to handle this." These stages correlate with the three levels of the brain: the primitive reptile brain, the emotional mammal brain, and the logical human brain.

Inside every person is a real person. Who is just as afraid or nervous or in need of empathy as anyone else. Make a person feel felt.

To do that, follow these steps: 1. Say, "Tell me what happened." Venting allows the person to begin moving from blindly striking out (the most primitive response) to feeling emotional (a higher response). The person's screaming or yelling will upset you, but it's far less dangerous than the threat of physical violence—so let it happen.

3. Wait until the person says "Yes." The simple act of saying "Yes" causes the person to move in the direction of agreement rather than hostility. "Yes" also indicates a willingness to pull away from acting out. If the person corrects what you've said in any way, repeat the information you're given.

4. Now say, "And that makes you feel angry/frustrated/ disappointed/upset or what exactly…." Pick the word you think best describes what the person feels. If the person corrects you, ask the person to say what the actual feeling is and repeat it back and get another "Yes." Remember that when someone attaches a word to a feeling, it lowers agitation. That's critical.

Stage 2 At this point, you're dealing with someone who's no longer striking out wildly but is still venting—better, but still a problem. So your next goal is to move the person from the emotional middle (mammal) brain up into the rational upper (human) brain.

True listening, she says, isn't something that merely happens to you. It's something to do and to feel, to throw yourself into rationally, emotionally, and physically. Listening is something to engage with multiple senses. It isn't passive or reactive; it's creative. And to do it well, you must feel the experience—not just think about it.

When you use the Empathy Jolt, avoid the mistake of interjecting your own opinions during the process—even if they're positive ones ("I certainly agree about what you're saying about Simon's talents"). Your goal is to get two people to mirror each other, and they can't do that if you're standing between them. So facilitate, but don't butt in.

When I ask these people questions that let them open their minds and express their intelligence, I witness a peculiar phenomenon: These hurried professionals, whose most valuable resource is time, hunger to spend more of that time with me.

When you understand irrational people's M.O.s, it'll be easier for you to realize that their weeping, coldness, whining, withdrawal, or attack-dog behavior isn't really about you. Instead, it's about them and their need to feel in control.

identifying an irrational person's M.O. gives you considerable power over him.

To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well. —JOHN MARSHALL, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT, 1801–1835

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." —INDIRA GANDHI