Quotes About Understanding

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings. A circuitous route to sibling harmony. And yet, the most direct.

To help everyone better understand the difference between giving equally with measured amounts, and giving uniquely, in terms of each child's legitimate needs, I handed out the following illustrations:

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.

One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son's emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy's bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises.

Describa: (lo que ve o el problema.) 2. Dé información: 3. Dígalo con una palabra: 4. Hable de sus sentimientos: 5. Escriba una nota: Acaba de aplicar cinco habilidades diferentes a la misma situación.

There will be times when that will be the obvious and right thing to do. All I want to point out is that if you decide not to give equally, for whatever reason, that's all right too. The children who fail to receive won't go under. Your understanding and acceptance of their disappointment will help them to deal with life's inequities.

The key word is respect—for my child, for myself, and for the unlimited possibilities of what can happen when two people of good will put their heads together.

The only thing that is necessary is that we take another look at the less favored child, seek out her specialness, then reflect the wonder of it back to her.

What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they're experiencing.

And yet, it's our listening that can give the greatest comfort. It's our acceptance of their unhappy feelings that can make it easier for our kids to cope with them.

The best part of using descriptive language is that it takes out the finger-pointing and accusation, and helps everyone focus on what needs to be done.

7. Is there any way to help

Resist the temptation to "make better" instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child's feelings.

When we describe the event (instead of talking about what "you did"), we seem to make it easier for the child to hear what the problem is and deal with it.

When children want something they can't have, adults usually respond with logical explanations of why they can't have it. Often, the harder we explain, the harder they protest.

The father was astonished. He hadn't asked questions and yet the child had told him the whole story. He hadn't given one word of advice, and yet the child had worked out his own solution. It seemed unbelievable to him that he could have been so helpful to his son just by listening and acknowledging his feelings.

Conclusion: What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they're experiencing.

Refrain from giving the child information she already knows.

We too worried about being permissive. But gradually we began to realize that this approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted.

All we can do is attempt to understand our children's feelings. We won't always succeed, but our efforts are usually appreciated.

in a caring relationship there was no room for punishment.

It's much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, "I see something is making you sad," rather than to be interrogated with "What happened?" or "Why do you feel that way?" It's easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you're feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.

There is an important message built into this approach. It says, "When there is conflict between us, we no longer have to mobilize our forces against each other and worry about who will emerge victorious and who will go down in defeat. Instead, we can put our energy into searching for the kinds of solutions that respect both our needs as individuals.

We found that when we accepted our children's feelings they were more able to accept the limits we set for them.