Quotes About Change

A man explained inflation to his wife thus: 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'

He's done more U-turns than a dodgy plumber.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you rest, you rust.

Kid to his Dad as they watch TV: Dad, tell me again how when you were my age you had to walk all the way across the room to change a channel.

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

The weather is like the government, always in the wrong.

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.