Quotes About Responsibility

Seeing my own contribution to my circumstances makes me stronger, not weaker. If I contribute to my own problems, there are things I have the power to change.

All three elements of blame are present: you caused this, I'm judging you negatively, and implicit in what I am saying is that one way or another you will be punished, especially if it happens again.

When Blame Is the Goal, Understanding Is the Casualty

When your real goal is finding the dog, fixing the ceiling, and preventing such incidents in the future, focusing on blame is a waste of time. It neither helps you understand the problem looking back, nor helps you fix it going forward.

If I'm the boss / parent, why can't I just tell my subordinates / children what to do?

Blame Can Leave a Bad System Undiscovered

As "shifters" we tend to see ourselves as innocent victims – when something goes wrong, it's always because of what someone else did. Others of us have the opposite tendency: we are all too aware of the negative consequences of our own actions. In the face of this, others' contributions seem insignificant. An "absorber" tends to feel responsible for everything.

While we all need to feel accepted as we are, we also need to hear feedback—particularly when our behavior is affecting others. Being accepted isn't an escape hatch from responsibility for consequences, as we discuss in more detail in chapter 10. So, seek acceptance. And work to make amends with the kids and with the funders (and with the car).

The blame frame creates a difficult burden. You have to feel confident that others are at fault, and that you aren't, to feel justified in raising an issue.

When competent, sensible people do something stupid, the smartest move is to try to figure out, first, what kept them from seeing it coming and, second, how to prevent the problem from happening again. Talking about blame distracts us from exploring why things went wrong and how we might correct them going forward. Focusing instead on understanding the contribution system allows us to learn about the real causes of the problem, and to work on correcting them.

Blame Is About Judging, and Looks Backward

Can you say a little more about how you see things? • What information might you have that I don't? • How do you see it differently? • What impact have my actions had on you? • Can you say a little more about why you think this is my fault? • Were you reacting to something I did? • How are you feeling about all of this? • Say more about why this is important to you. • What would it mean to you if that happened? If

Finally, we should consider the contribution system. Are we able to see our own contribution to the problem? Are we able to describe the other person's contribution without blaming? Are we aware of the ways that each of our contributions forms a reinforcing pattern that magnifies the problem? In what way does this shift how we feel?

People do sometimes worry that we are about to put someone's "face" at risk, but then visibly relax as they realize that we have put a joint problem on the table (from the third story, of course) with no hint of the blame frame.

We Think They Are the Problem

If you're not going to answer right away, send a quick note explaining why and when you expect to get back to them. "Let me check with Dan, and I'll get back to you in a few days. If you haven't heard from me by Tuesday, please send a reminder. Thanks!

They Think We Are the Problem

So to clarify the feedback under the label we need to "be specific" about two things: (1) where the feedback is coming from, and (2) where the feedback is going.

At heart, blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding.

What you want the other person to say isn't "It was my fault," but rather "I understand that I hurt you and I'm sorry." The first statement is about judgment, the second about understanding.

Are you the owner of this car? A cop has something you don't have, something you gave him earlier. No, I'm just delivering it to Oklahoma City for a lady. Do you have plates for this car? A cop needn't be vicious, but he can be so, safely. Just those stickers. Do you have the registration? Presidents and premiers can annihilate millions, but only a cop can explain away your solitary murder.

Beware the abuse of Power. Both by those we disagree with, as well as those we may agree with

God gave him a work to do. He commissioned him to be a watchman on the walls.

Cuando le echamos la culpa a las circunstancias, al pasado, a nuestro prójimo o a cualquier evento de lo que nos sucede, estamos desaprovechando una enseñanza que, adecuadamente vista, tiene como razón de ser y objetivo el ayudarnos a quitar un filtro, desembarazarnos de una máscara, resquebrajar una estructura o trascender un prejuicio que nos mantenía encarcelados.