Quotes About Perception

Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know theyre being funny.

The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish."

I would rather have an inferiority complex and be pleasantly surprised, than have a superiority complex and be rudely awakened.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks like He rushed it.

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company

I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

We are only young once. That is all society can stand.

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

I saw Hamlet Prince of Denmark played; but now the old plays begin to disgust this refined age.