Quotes About Empathy

The problem was to love people, try to serve them, without wanting anything from them. I was a long way from solving that one.

If you can't pass on a little loving-kindness in this world, you might as well be a gopher in a hole.

Her eyes, dark brown and experienced, carried a little luggage underneath.

If your child isn't following through, it's probably not because she won't but because she can't.

In the Empathy step, kids practice reflecting on their concerns and expressing those concerns in ways that other people can hear and understand.

In the Define Adult Concerns step, kids practice listening to another person's concerns (what many of us refer to as empathy), taking another person's perspective, and appreciating how their behavior is affecting others.

In the Invitation step, kids get practice at considering a range of solutions to a problem, considering the likely outcomes of those solutions, and shifting from a solution that only works for them to a solution that will work for other people, too.

Plan B consists of three steps, each containing ingredients that are crucial to the collaborative resolution of problems: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step.

The goal of the Empathy step is to gather information from your child to understand what's making it difficult for them to meet a certain expectation. If you don't gather that information, the problem will remain unsolved. Just like the rest of us, kids have legitimate concerns: hunger, fatigue, fear, the desire to buy or do certain things, the tendency to avoid things that are scary or that make them uncomfortable or at which they don't feel competent.

Kids who are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed tend to be far less receptive to hearing the concerns of their caregivers. Over time, such kids also become far less receptive to talking to their parents.

I've noticed that it's been difficult for you to stick with the thirty-minute time limit on playing video games. What's up?

Strategy #1: Reflective listening—simply saying back to the child whatever they just said to you—often followed by clarifying statements, like "How so?" or "I don't quite understand" or "I'm confused" or "Can you say more about that?" or "What do you mean?" This is your default drilling strategy, and the one you'll be using most often.

conclusions about each other's motives or thoughts. Others have referred to this pattern as psychologizing or mind reading

Strategy #6: Making a discrepant observation. This is where you're making an observation that differs from information that the child has already provided in the Empathy step.

by making appropriate, corrective statements to set the record straight ("Dad, I don't think that's true at all"), a kid with concerning behaviors may not have those skills and may therefore become extremely frustrated in the face of these inaccuracies.

Some adults, having now made some headway toward understanding their kids' concerns, have difficulty resisting the temptation to revert to form by being dismissive or offering solutions, thereby ending the problem-solving process.

I wonder if there's a way for us to help you find the words to start each section . . ." (that was the kid's concern) ". . . and still make sure you get some practice at doing that so it won't always be so hard for you and so that you can express your really good ideas" (that was the adult's concern).

When you use Plan B, you do so with the understanding that the solution is not predetermined. If you already know how the problem is going to be solved before you start trying to solve it, then you're not using Plan B . . . you're using a "clever" form of Plan A. Plan B is not just a "clever" form of Plan A. Plan B is collaborative, Plan A is unilateral.

While it's tempting to focus on your child's behaviors, in this book we'll be focusing instead on the expectations they are having difficulty meeting that are causing those behaviors. That crucial distinction is going to make a world of difference.

Plan B consists of three steps or ingredients: The Empathy Step: Gathering information about and understanding what's making it hard for your child to meet a given expectation. The Define Adult Concerns Step: Being specific about why it's important that the expectation be met (how the problem is affecting the kid and/or others). The Invitation Step: Collaborating with your child to find a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory.

it's common for adults to be incorrect in their assumptions about what's making it hard for a child to meet an expectation. If you enter the Empathy step quite certain that you already know his concern, you're at risk for perfunctory drilling and/or for steering the ship toward a predetermined destination. But

Moreover, there are many kids who can't think of any solutions at all. So, the problem remains unsolved. And the concerning behaviors being caused by that problem persist. Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words

kids do well if they can.

He's making bad choices. This suggests that the kid already has the skills to be making good choices. Of course, if he had those skills, we wouldn't be wondering why he's making so many bad choices! He has a bad attitude.