Quotes About Empathy

Inside every person is a real person. Who is just as afraid or nervous or in need of empathy as anyone else. Make a person feel felt.

To do that, follow these steps: 1. Say, "Tell me what happened." Venting allows the person to begin moving from blindly striking out (the most primitive response) to feeling emotional (a higher response). The person's screaming or yelling will upset you, but it's far less dangerous than the threat of physical violence—so let it happen.

4. Now say, "And that makes you feel angry/frustrated/ disappointed/upset or what exactly…." Pick the word you think best describes what the person feels. If the person corrects you, ask the person to say what the actual feeling is and repeat it back and get another "Yes." Remember that when someone attaches a word to a feeling, it lowers agitation. That's critical.

Stage 2 At this point, you're dealing with someone who's no longer striking out wildly but is still venting—better, but still a problem. So your next goal is to move the person from the emotional middle (mammal) brain up into the rational upper (human) brain.

True listening, she says, isn't something that merely happens to you. It's something to do and to feel, to throw yourself into rationally, emotionally, and physically. Listening is something to engage with multiple senses. It isn't passive or reactive; it's creative. And to do it well, you must feel the experience—not just think about it.

Fail #2: Criticizing

When you use the Empathy Jolt, avoid the mistake of interjecting your own opinions during the process—even if they're positive ones ("I certainly agree about what you're saying about Simon's talents"). Your goal is to get two people to mirror each other, and they can't do that if you're standing between them. So facilitate, but don't butt in.

How does the Magic Paradox work? By setting into motion a cascade of "yes" coming from the other person ("Yes, you're right, my life is a mess, and I can't take it anymore"), you shift the person's attitude from disagreement to agreement. Once you establish that rapport, the person is emotionally primed to cooperate instead of punch back.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." —MAHATMA GANDHI

Requesting forgiveness: Don't do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are. At this point—and not before—go back to the person you've hurt and say, "Are you able to forgive me for hurting you?

Getting your emotions under control isn't just a key to being a great leader like Jim. It's also the most important key to reaching other people, especially in times of stress or uncertainty. It's why a cool and controlled hostage negotiator can get through to someone who seems unreachable

And what about the person who's on the defensive? Initially, this human punching bag is frustrated because no matter what he or she is trying to mirror outward——I'm sorry, I'm confused, I'm scared, I had a good reason for what I did—the ignorant blamer is blind to it. As a result, the person who's under attack is usually in a state of quiet, barely controlled rage.

Step 1: Increase physical awareness. Impulses begin as physical sensations. Stop and notice what you feel and where you feel it. In your stomach? Head? Neck? Chest? Step 2: Increase emotional awareness. Try to connect the physical sensation to an emotion. Why do you feel tense? What do you feel angry about? What are you afraid of?

When you understand irrational people's M.O.s, it'll be easier for you to realize that their weeping, coldness, whining, withdrawal, or attack-dog behavior isn't really about you. Instead, it's about them and their need to feel in control.

To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well. —JOHN MARSHALL, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT, 1801–1835

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." —INDIRA GANDHI

Both partners describe one of their own character flaws. Humility resolves self-righteousness.

One explanation for the effectiveness of making a person "feel felt" lies in the mirror neurons I talked about earlier. When you mirror what another person feels, the person is wired to mirror you in return. Say "I understand what you're feeling," and the other person will feel grateful and spontaneously express that gratitude with a desire to understand you in return. It's an irresistible biological urge, and one that pulls the person toward you.

you probably know a lot less than you think you do about the people you want to reach, whether they're new in your life or people you've known forever. That what you think you know may be very wrong. And that reaching these people doesn't just mean opening their minds to you. It also means rewiring yourself so you can see these people as they really are.

All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a simple lonely action.

That's because even if what we want is best for all concerned, other people don't want it shoved down their throats. They want to align with us, work with us, and be valued by us. They don't want to be run over by us. If we trample them to get our way, we may get them to do what we want right now, but they'll be angry about it later . . . and they'll let other people know.

Self-involvement is usually at the root of self-defeating behavior in relationships.

before you tackle the bruising challenge of talking to "crazy," make sure you have a good reason to go there.

Humility is the surest sign of strength. —THOMAS MERTON, AUTHOR AND TRAPPIST MONK