Quotes from Ronnie Barker

Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the 'secret milkshake.'

It's better to make people laugh than cry.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.

A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go in.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

Don't just crit there siticising.

My wife tries not to bring out the beast in me -she's afraid of mice.

If I was as rich as a Rockerfeller I'd be Richer than Rockefeller, because I'd do a bit of window cleaning on the side.

In a packed program tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

I really have a nice step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

It was one of those years when God bent over and kissed California.

I went to a restaurant the other day called 'Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.

You can tell a lot about someone's personality if you know his star sign. Jesus was born on December 25th, fed five thousand, and walked on water --typical Capricorn.

If you drop a Bible from a height you can kill a field mouse; so maybe the Bible isn't all good.

I never saw my granddad --he was excellent at hiding.

We had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.

In a packed programme tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

In a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.