Quotes from Rick Brinkman

When people want to get appreciation and fear they are not, their behavior becomes more attention getting, forcing others to notice them.

Through the distorted lens of the thwarted intent to get it right, everything around these people begins to seem haphazard and careless. To add insult to injury, people seem to address these concerns with horrifyingly fuzzy words, like pretty much, and roughly, and probably. When sufficient intensity is reached, the behavior becomes increasingly pessimistic and perfectionistic. The Whiner, the No Person, the Judge, and the Nothing Person, all exemplify this kind of behavior.

The latter could be attributed to the two owners of the company, who were firm believers in management by harassment, or the "seagull system" of management (if something went wrong, the owners would fly in, make a lot of noise, and dump all over everyone!).

Conflict occurs when the emphasis in a relationship is on the differences between people. The more divided you seem to be, the sooner you fall.

You get along better with people when the emphasis is on similarities between you. The difference between conflict with a friend and conflict with a difficult person is that with a friend the conflict is tempered by the common ground you share. Success in communication depends on finding common ground before attempting to redirect the interaction toward a new outcome. Obviously, reducing differences is essential to your success in dealing with people you can't stand.

speed. And you blend conceptually with your words. But as natural as it is to blend with people that you like or with people that you share an objective with, it is equally natural not to blend with people whom you perceive as difficult. And the failure to blend has serious consequences because without blending, the differences between you become the basis for conflict.

Blending always precedes redirecting, whether you're listening to understand or speaking to be understood. Only after establishing some rapport with your difficult people through blending will you be able to redirect the interaction and change the trajectory toward a worthwhile outcome.

One way to take charge with difficult people in a poisoned atmosphere is to purposely blend with their body posture, facial expressions, and degree of animation. Blending sends the signal that "I'm with you! I'm not the enemy! I'm interested in what you say and do!

If you fail to blend with other people's voice volume and speed, you will probably end up talking to yourself or dealing with serious misunderstanding.

For this reason, masterful communicators make it their goal to listen and understand first, before attempting to be heard and understood.

In fact, there can be no doubt that when people have the experience that they've been listened to and understood, they let go of their preoccupation with their own thoughts and feelings. The door to their mind swings open, and that makes it much easier for them to hear you.

Step 2. Backtrack. One form of giving feedback is backtracking, or repeating back some of the actual words that other people are using. This sends a clear signal that you are listening and that you consider what the other people are saying to be important.

Backtracking is particularly important when dealing with problem people over the phone because the only visual information they have about you is what they extrapolate from the sound of your voice and the words that you use.

There are attitudinal changes that you can make in yourself that will set you free from your reactions to problem people.

complaining to people who can do nothing tends to lower morale and productivity, while postponing effective action.

Step 3. Clarify. Having heard what they have to say, begin to gather information about the meaning of their communication.

As a general principle, it is probably better to do more clarifying than less, even when you think you do understand what people are saying. All too often, people think they understand what other people are saying when, in fact, they do not. Also, asking a specific question doesn't mean you automatically get a specific answer. Both the Whiner and the No Person tend to speak in sweeping generalizations.

Step 5. Confirm. Having listened carefully, you've now arrived at a crucial juncture. Rather than assuming anything, be certain that the difficult people are satisfied that the problem has been fully voiced. Ask, "Do you feel understood? Is there anything else?" When enough sincere questioning, listening, caring, and remembering are brought together, understanding is achieved, and difficult people become less difficult and more cooperative.

Ask yourself what positive purpose might be behind people's communications or behaviors, and acknowledge it. If you are not sure about the positive intent, just make something up. Even if the intent you try to blend with isn't true, you can still get a good response and create rapport.

If you're dealing with people who you perceive want to get it done as their top priority, and if in your conversations with them, you acknowledge this and your communications with them are brief and to the point so as not to obstruct them, you will increase cooperation and decrease misunderstanding.

If you're dealing with people who you perceive want to get it right as their top priority, and if in your conversations with them, you acknowledge this and you pay great attention to the details in your communications with them, you will increase cooperation and decrease misunderstanding.

These repetitions of name or gender create an irresistible force that so distracts the Tanks, Know-It-Alls, Grenades, or Whiners that they must stop talking to find out what it is you want! Once you have their attention, you can move forward by stating your intent, by clarifying something they were saying, or by using any of the other choices suggested in this chapter.

Use "I" language. "From my point of view" and "The way I see it" are softening phrases that take the fight out of your words. They tell your difficult people that what you're expressing is your truth, rather than claiming to be the truth. This