Quotes from Louis C.K.

Misery is wasted on the miserable.

I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.

Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face.

It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this — and by 'new at it, ' I mean 15 years in, or even 20 — you're just starting to get traction.

You ever wear a bathing suit because you've run out of clean underwear?

Be a dad. Don't be "Mom's Assistant".... Be a man.... Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on. Spend time with your kids.... It won't take away your manhood, it will give it to you.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'