Quotes from Jill Conner Browne

If we exercise, however, we do look and feel much better in our outfits, not to mention how we look out of our outfits. And we've found we're happiest when we are not too fat to walk.

I love men. They Taste like Chicken

Life. It's your birthday present. Open it up and play with it. Act like you like it. (The One who gave it to you is watching, after all. Don't wanna hurt His feelings.) And if you don't like your life, CHANGE IT. It is all yours.

Daddy always pointed out, it should come as no surprises to anyone that merchants want to move their wares-it's sorta what they do, after all. But that's just BUSINESS and that has nothing to do with CHRISTMAS.

FINANCIAL TIP For guys-- buying the stupid flowers when you're supposed to will be way cheaper than what you'll have to buy and do to make up for it if you forget.

We have not one but two former presidents of the Junior League (we knew this about them and we still embraced them as if they were normal).

For white males, it is impossible to have tits that are too big, and for black males, you cannot get the butt big enough. At the same time, if your tits are big enough, white guys don't care how big your butt is; and if your butt's big enough, black guys don't care what's happening around front.

Like all sororities, we find that half, maybe more, of the fun is in keeping others out. So much for the sweet part.

The Basic Five are these: (1) a man who can fix things, (2) a man you can dance with, (3) a man who can pay for things, (4) a man you can talk to, and (5) a man to have great sex with. As I said, this is the rudimentary team you need to form, according to our sage adviser. Certainly other functions can be added to suit your more refined tastes, but with this starting lineup, you can at least avoid abject misery.

Therefore we feel it is important that our children be taught this simple tenet: Hate people on an individual basis only—you must actually get to know someone at least slightly before you can properly hate him or her.

sure, I've heard the weight-loss gurus spouting their "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" mantra, and as I've said before—BULLSHIT. The times in my life when I have been thin, I enjoyed it well enough, but trust me, PLENTY of stuff tastes WAY better than being thin feels. For that matter, come to think of it, FEELING FULL FEELS better than being thin does.

in certain regions of Italy, women of ill-repute or evil looks are forbidden to enter cheese factories.

Familiarity, not survival, is the strongest drive in human beings.

I am surprised that Chicago—the Big-Shouldered City—is so trifling that they won't let you eat in a restaurant if it's on fire. Even if you already paid.

We both developed coughs by the end of the trip, however, and we decided it was vacation pneumonia, caused by excessive lying down. We walk a fine line, don't you know, between a "therapeutic" dose and "overmedication.

In trying times, such as the ones we currently find ourselves mired in the middle of, one wants a distraction from one's troubles, and I find it most helpful to plan and engage in a pleasant outing or two with close and like-minded friends. Or you could go gator huntin'.

Likewise, she will know that if I start watching reality TV, quoting Dr. Phil, riding roller coasters, and seem to have forsaken bacon in favor of anything soy—it's time to Get the Pillow. That's what—well, I can't tell you who but she's a nurse—says they all say when they've got a particularly cantankerous patient on their wing.

We read in the paper about a fifty-five-year-old woman-you read right, that's fifty five- who had quadruplets! Since the pregnancy was in vitro, it was clearly on purpose. I've got to tell you, we were all pretty happy that we hadn't done this and also none of us had ever considered it. Nor had we considered pulling out all our teeth with pliers or slamming our fingers in the car door repeatedly just to see what it feels like.

figure that, having grown up watching me doing any number of things she considered humiliating when I was in a good mood, she was so terrified when I was in an angry one that the prospect was unthinkable to her.