Quotes from Robert Rankin

This woman wasn't fat anywhere. She was slim as a whispered secret, and twice as dangerous, too.

Do you know any princes who are looking for a tart to marry?

Wise up,' said Sherlock Holmes. 'These mothers mean business.

Jack, get a grip of yourself.' I have a grip of myself.' Jack took a grip of himself. It was a most intimate grip; not the kind of grip that you usually take of yourself in public.

As real as,' said Eddie. 'As real as what?' said Jack. 'Wish I knew,' said Eddie. 'But I can't do corroborative nouns. None of us are perfect, are we? I can get started. As big as, as obscene as, as foul as. But I can't get any further. But that's life for you again. As unfair as...

Have you ever head this theory about drinking yourself sober?' Eddie asked. 'It's a very popular theory. Amongst drunks, anyway.

If there are no spots on a sugar cube then I've just put a dice in my tea.

Oh dear,' said Eddie. 'We'd better hurry. Tinto, call me a cab.' All right,' said Tinto. 'You're a cab.

Now, it's a fact well known to those who know it well that prophets of doom only attain popularity when they get the drinks in all around.

The hill road wound upwards, as hill roads do, unless you're coming down them, of course.

Everyone misbehaves,' said Eddie. 'That's nature. Everyone gets away with as much as they can get away with. And the more they can get away with, the more they will.

Science,' said Mr Anders Anders. 'Science, not magic. I told you before: when things are not as they appear to be, it's because they're actually simpler than you think them to be. Things are never as difficult and complicated as folk believe. You'd be surprised just how straightforward and obvious things really are. The secret is in knowing how to look at them the right way.

Omally, as ever, slept the sleep of the just, which was quite unjust of him, considering he had no right to do it.

It was joy, joy, happy joy. Happy, happy joy. A big fat smiley sun rose above the rooftops and beamed down its blessings onto the borough known as Brentford.

And there's the Midnight Growlers, a philosophical movement dedicated to high spiritual ideals and the pursuit of truth and -' Beer,' said Tinto.

This is not the way things are done in Boy's Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism

Probably one of those sinister organisations that lurked behind the mask of amusing acronym, such as BUM, for example - the Bermondsey Union of Minstrels. Or WILLY, the Whitechapel Institution for Long-Legged Yodellers. It could be any one of a hundred such evil cabals. With the notable exception of the Meritorious Union For Friendship, Decency, Individualism, Virtue and Educational Resources, who were above reproach.

What is believed to be a fact is only a fact until another fact supersedes it. Science is only a fashion. Nothing more.

Because I'm a special gatekeeper. I'm the head gatekeeper. Because, although, as you can see, I'm only a head, I'm also the gatekeeper. Which makes me the head gatekeeper. Which makes me very special, don't you agree?

And yes. They did become very drunk, the three of them. And you're not supposed to be drunk when you get involved in matters such as this: Big Matters, Matters of an Apocalyptic Nature. You're supposed to be coldly sober. And you just can't be coldly sober when you're drunk.

Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?

It's a small matter, but one which I think shouldn't be overlooked. - Oh Yes? And that is? - That is the simple matter that time travel is an impossibility, you craven buffoon! - Not with the latest miracle of modern horticulture...Gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to THE TIME SPROUT ! 'Pleased to be here' said the vegetable in question.

There were large and small ones too. And some quite in-between. But all of equal nastiness. And smelliness and ghastliness. For they would eat a fellow up, as one might fish and chips

Her hair was simply red and her coat was deacon blue.