Quotes from John Swartzwelder

I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you're frowning and crying all the time and saying "why? why?", they get worried.

As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach.

I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.

I was sleeping like a baby - waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants.

I made a circular motion with my finger around my temple to indicate I thought this guy was crazy, forgetting that there was no one in the room to see this circular motion except him. He saw it and frowned.

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?

Kids have too much money these days, if you ask me.

It's tough to make a living in my racket. Most people who need detecting done just go to the cops. They're free. I have to charge money for essentially the same service. Another thing that makes it tough is that I'm not the best detective in town. In fact in this building you have to pass the offices of three detectives who are better than me to get to my place. So I guess I lose some business that way.

This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

Now, I'm not the most observant of men, which is unfortunate, because I'm a private eye.

This is a covert operation, people!" he shouted over his bullhorn. "Covert!

It has always amazed me how angry people can get at my stupidity. How do they think I feel? They only have to be around me a couple of hours at a time. I've got me all day.

He told me the crooks used this place for more than just a dumping ground for undesirables. He said they also had a lot of food stored here in case there was ever a nuclear war. That way they could insure that in the future there would still be criminals.

I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you're frowning and crying all the time and saying "why? why?", they get worried. So I try to stay upbeat.

I made an effort to speak: "When I came in here…" I said, "… I had a sandwich." "That was three months ago," said the doctor. I looked at him. "It's gone," he said, gently. I lapsed back into unconsciousness.

Arthur Gremlin was doing a lot of smiling these days. He had seemed pretty tense when he first joined the firm, but the more time he spent with me, and the more he saw me in action, the more he relaxed. Finally after watching me spend three entire days trying to get a carton of milk open, he wiped the milk off his face and relaxed completely for the first time. It's like something that had been nagging at him finally went away.

That's what's wrong with America today, I guess. Something like that. I know something's wrong with America. Maybe that's it.

Lisa: Well, where's my Dad? Professor Frink: Well, that should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...the third dimension.

As my exciting story opens, I am being punched in the stomach. But I guess a lot of stories start that way.

Any calls?" I asked. She didn't look up from her magazine. "What am I, your secretary?" "Yes." "Look, just leave me alone.

managed to come up with a plan in just under eight minutes, but after I had examined it from every angle I realized it wasn't workable in this situation. It required powerful machinery, thousands of experts, a time paradox, a nuclear submarine, a cat, a crowbar, and a birthday cake. And all I had was a mouthful of air and a bad idea. I reluctantly abandoned my plan.

When I first became a detective I had tried solving crimes the way mystery writers do: coming up with the solution to the crime first, then working back to the point where you don't know what the hell is going on. But for some reason every time I tried that I ended up locked in a closet.

That's not the way it happened, asshole," I said, gently correcting him.

It wasn't my fault. I'm innocent. Why won't these dogs believe me?