Quotes from Barry Dougherty

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?" "Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a used tampon, "I'm making tea.

A bear and a bunny are out in the forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says, "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?" "No, not really," says the bunny. So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

What is the difference between a fox and a pig? About five drinks.

What's another name for a zipper? A penis flytrap.

A young woman is having a physical examination and is very embarrassed about her weight. As she removes her last bit of clothing, she blushes. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor." she says. "I guess I let myself go." The physician is checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You look just fine." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" "Of course," he says, brandishing a tongue depressor. "Now open wide and say

What's a practical nurse? One who marries a wealthy old patient.

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" "What's that?" she asks. "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear.

A man and a woman are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man says, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. We're completely obsessed with getting laid!" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better—your ear or your finger?

Five guys are in a bar getting pretty sloshed when they start to discuss the size of their penises. Soon the conversation escalates into a full-blown argument, each man insisting that his penis is the biggest. "Put them on the bar so we can compare," suggests the bartender. The drunks do just that. Shortly, a gay man comes in, looks around, and says to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet.

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist. "Holy shit, lady. I didn't know you had a minimum!

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.

A guy is on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. He parks the car and starts kissing and fondling her, and, as befits her reputation, she is quite responsive. The petting continues, and soon he puts his hand inside her panties. She seems to be enjoying it, but suddenly she pushes him away, screaming, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's not a ring. That's my watch!

What's the speed limit for sex? Sixty-eight. Because at sixty-nine you have to turn around.

A husband and wife are sound asleep at two a.m. when the phone rings. The husband picks it up sleepily, and says, "Hello?... How the hell should I know?... What am I, the fuckin' Weather Bureau???" He slams the phone down and tries to get comfortable again. "Who was that?" asks his wife. "I don't know, some jerk wanted to know if the coast was clear.

A sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. He says to the guy, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night.'" "That's right," replies the husband. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.

What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

What does a horny frog say? "Rub-it.

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well, that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much he passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door, at which point the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe.

A woman walks into a bar with her five-pound Chihuahua and carefully places the little dog near her feet. She soon notices that the guy sitting next to her looks a little bit queasy. He's clutching his stomach and grimacing, and he's sweating profusely. After a few minutes the guy doubles over and vomits. Afterward, he notices the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!

Debbie got her vibrator stuck inside her, so she went to her gynecologist. "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation." "I don't think I can afford that," said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?

When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . . I was right. —GAHAN WILSON

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?