Quotes from Barry Dougherty

A preacher goes into a bar and says, "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says, "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" He returns a few minutes later to find another sign saying, "So did I!

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. They announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

A guy gets into bed with his wife and he's real horny. She says, "Not tonight. I'm going to the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh." He says, "Well, you're not going to the fucking dentist are you?

Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What happened to the pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!

George is standing outside of his favorite bar, Sally's Legs. He's a little early, so he is waiting for it to open. A cop sees him loitering there and gets a little suspicious. "What are you doing?" asks the cop. "I'm waiting for Sally's Legs to open so I can get a drink.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

One night a man is getting very drunk in a pub. He staggers back to the men's room to take a piss, whipping out his prick as he goes in the door. The problem is, he has wandered into the ladies' room by mistake, and surprises a woman sitting on the can. "This is for ladies!" she screams. "SO'S THIS," cries the drunk, waving his dick.

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents' bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!

What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.