Quotes from Steven Carter

Tom told me he didn't think about Gloria's feelings at all. It didn't even occur to him that she might think something about her had turned him off—which was, of course, not the case. The fact is that the relationship had nowhere to go except toward commitment, and this set off Tom's internal alarm system. After that, all he could think about was putting out the fire.

His actions are not governed by common sense, they are governed by his exaggerated fear of commitment. Therefore, when the relationship becomes truly close and intimate, he feels more trapped because he knows he has no excuses for leaving. As long as the relationship is troubled, he knows he has an excuse for leaving, and there is no threat of entrapment.

He pointed out that he tended to live the life of a vagabond because he could never fully commit himself to one place or one job. He rented a television set because he could never settle on just which set to buy, and noted that most major purchases were difficult or impossible to deal with.

1. If he has ever treated another woman badly, don't assume it's going to be different with you. 2. If he blames his past problems entirely on the woman, be skeptical. 3. If he blames his past problems on himself, he is probably telling the truth and will probably be the same with you.

The wooing, the winning, the dining, the romance—it's all part of his here-and-now philosophy. He doesn't feel reluctant about sharing intimacies with a stranger because he isn't thinking of anything beyond selling himself.

Make sure you've always got one foot on his brakes and another on yours.

Now let's look at the commitmentphobic's job pattern. Basically, he can't bear to feel trapped there either.

Don't assume responsibility for his emotional wellbeing. Don't be so quick to bond. And don't feel sorry for him.

When he talks about wanting a solid relationship, he is speaking in the general, not the specific. When he talks like this, he's not making promises.

Most important: Don't start trying to become the perfect woman/wife/mother figure in an effort to convince him that you're the woman he's looking for. This is the time for you to remember that you are a smart, independent, emotionally secure woman who should be asserting her own sense of identity.

Commitmentphobics tend to resist being defined by a job or a career, even when they are successful. An example of this is the lawyer/writer who teaches and plays in a jazz band weekends. The bottom line is that they always want to feel that the possibility exists that they can get out from any job situation, should they want to. Some want to fairly often.

He may have a permanently temporary attitude toward home base; this can be reflected by sublets or temporary leases, or by a serious reluctance to commit himself to buying furniture.

Consider the possibility that what he says may be projection on his part, and that his sensitivity to women's issues is merely a means of masking his own rocky history and questionable intentions.

Even when he is behaving in a totally destructive manner, there is a tendency on the part of many women to expect the feelings he expressed in the Beginning to reemerge and make everything right.

Most of the women he has met have been good women, and he has been unkind to all of them.

Take the first clue that he is backing off as an indication that something could be seriously wrong. Although your first instinct is to move closer, the more appropriate action is to move away. Know that your reassurance and acceptance will not alleviate his problem. Quite the opposite, it may be causing the problem. So don't work at being extra-giving, loving, attentive, etc. It's the wrong reaction.

No matter how long he's known the woman or how casually they have met, if he's strongly attracted to her, he immediately starts thinking of marriage. Frightened by even the thought, he ends it, right there. A man such as this may know that he can't make a permanent commitment, and be really sincere about not wanting to use or mislead a woman by allowing a relationship to develop further.

don't do anything unless you are asked to do it. Once the relationship has reached this stage, the typical commitmentphobic feels too guilty to ask anything of a woman because he doesn't want her to ask too much of him.

When I think of getting married, I worry that my life will be over. I don't want to lose my lifestyle, which in my case often turns out to be going home, watching television alone, and reheating an old slice of pizza.

The man who is able to make a commitment rarely does this kind of dancing back and forth. He may move slowly, but he continues to move in the same direction.

He starts out wanting to be her lover, but ends up developing just a friendship with a sexual undertone—which he never, or rarely and perfunctorily, follows through on.

Some questions to ask yourself before you get involved: How did he leave past relationships? Does he have a history of pitting women against each other? Is there an admitted history of dishonesty with another woman?

This man, at the beginning, appears to be utterly romantic. In reality, he is often totally unrealistic. He has no idea what it is he really wants, and he has no concept of how his behavior might be interpreted. He is probably somebody with little history of reliability and dependability in other relationships.

You, on the other hand, probably have a history of total reliability and dependability. You pride yourself on the fact that people can count on you. In essence, you do what you say you're going to do. Consequently, you think long and hard before you say you will do anything. If you came on to anyone the way he comes on to you, it would mean something. It would mean that you were prepared to do everything possible to try and develop a real, long-term relationship.