Quotes from Steven Carter

You assume that he has the same level of emotional integrity that you have.

Acknowledge how certain behavior patterns—such as setting boundaries, fault-finding, mixed messages—are almost universal indications of a commitmentphobic problem in general, and are not specifically directed against you.

What a woman must do at the Beginning is stay realistic and slow the relationship down. At the Beginning, you have a great deal of ego leverage and control. Use it to set the pace and tone that will lead to permanency. No matter how much you're tempted to go along with his Hollywood style, don't do it.

When a man is immediately overwhelmed by you, warning signals should go off in your brain. Here's what they should say: This man responds more to fantasy than he does to reality.

Now is the time to find out as much as possible about him, about his previous relationships, about his relationships with his family. Your judgment and acceptance of him should be based on the kind of man he is, not on his skill in manipulating your ego.

Failing to maintain appropriate boundaries.

As to smart women making foolish choices, in the real world, this is not what's going on. These women are not doing the choosing. They are being chosen. And it's not because they are giving off peculiar, neurotic-type signals. It's because they are attractive, intelligent women who attract men. The problem is that so many of the men they are attracting suffer from the same problem—the commitment problem.

Even though they knew intellectually that they had not been guilty of sabotaging the relationship, each woman couldn't help but look for a rational explanation and wonder whether it was something she did—or neglected to do—that set the man off. But in most cases, nothing went wrong in the relationship. In fact, part of the problem is that he backs off when things are going too well. You see, the only thing wrong is that this man simply cannot make a commitment.

If you are involved with a commitmentphobic, the first thing you have to know is that it is what he is feeling, not what you are doing, that is filling him with terror and confusion; it is what he is thinking, not what you are saying, that is driving a wedge into the relationship. And it is his tortured, convoluted outlook on life, love, and relationships that is making him flee.