Quotes from Karl Pillemer

if you're a free spender, marry somebody who understands that. If you're frugal, you need to marry somebody who understands that, because money is one of the stumbling blocks in marriages. And fortunately we have the same values on most things.

Tip 1: If you are having trouble discussing something, get out of the house.

Tip 2: Find a way to blow off steam, and then engage with your partner.

Antoinette Watkins found that writing helped defuse conflicts and increased her ability to discuss them. WHEN I BECAME TERRIBLY upset, I would sit down and write long letters to my husband, put them aside, read them the next day—and then throw them away. But it was a good idea to write it out. I think the big thing is to vent these things out of yourself, and you can do that in many ways. I found that writing helped.

the premise is that real people who have been through a challenging experience are extraordinary sources of advice.

IT SOUNDS SIMPLE, BUT you have to like each other. Be friends, try to get past the initial heaving and panting and make sure there's a real friendship underneath that. I don't think you have to have identical interests, but you've got to have shared values. That is quite important. That was critical. Yeah, I think values are probably the most important thing.

Tip 3: Watch out for teasing.

You've really got to listen and let them have their say. When they're done, ask, "What would you want?" or "What do you think would be the right thing to do?" When I was in my twenties, I had all the answers. Now that I'm in my eighties, I'm not so sure my answers are always right.

POLITICAL VALUES, FEELINGS ABOUT not living in an ostentatious way, about commitment to other people, and our own commitments. We both had different specific commitments, but strong commitments in feeling that we owed something back, that our lives were going pretty well and we owed something back, not only of resources, but of time. We both loved to travel, and we had a sense of adventure. We liked the same people, and I think that's important. Very seldom did we disagree about friends.

AND YOU HAVE TO have, I think, a similar sense of humor. That was a very important part of our life together. In fact, just two weeks before he died, we were talking one night, and he said something and I just dissolved in laughter, and he looked at me so self-satisfied and said, "I can still make you laugh after all these years!" And he could.

You just have to take one day at a time. It's a good idea to plan ahead if possible, but you can't always do that because things don't always happen the way you were hoping they would happen. So the most important thing is one day at a time. Tip

Human nature is such that our happiness depends on reliable, secure, and predictable social relationships, and without them we feel lost.

Another recommendation has to do with balancing money and time. If you are willing to accept a lower income level, you can gain enormous benefits by choosing part-time work as a lifestyle.

get into something that you love, that you have an aptitude for, and where you're totally happy.

It's my responsibility to be as happy as I can, right here, today.

If you are entering into a permanent relationship based on the intention of change, you are on the wrong track.

It's a fact that life will hand us problems and difficulties—if that hasn't happened to you yet, you're lucky (and probably very young). Despite this fact, we all have the power to choose. We can make a conscious decision each day to embrace a positive attitude. It requires convincing yourself that you can wake up and decide to focus on positive emotions.

You are not responsible for all the things that happen to you, but you are completely in control of your attitude and your reactions to them. If you feel annoyance, fear, or disappointment, these feelings are cause by you and must be dug out like a weed. Study where they came from, accept them, and then let them go. If you let outside pressures determine how you feel and what you do, you have just abdicated your job as CEO of your own life.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO move around and try different things, no matter how old you are. The most important thing you want to find out is who you are and what capabilities you have.

And these researchers, in time-honored social-scientific fashion, substitute for "similarity" a more specialized term: "homogamy." Homogamous marriages involve similar partners, whereas heterogamous marriages involve couples who differ in important characteristics. (Feel free to drop these terms at cocktail parties and amaze your friends.)

The research findings are quite clear: marriages that are homogamous in terms of economic background, religion, and closeness in age are the most stable and tend to be happier.

finding someone who is similar in upbringing, general orientation, and values is the single most important component of a long and satisfying marriage.

According to the experts, in the face of objective differences (such as race or economic background), shared values and outlook on life will go a long way to promote both the quality and stability of a marriage.

The experts counter by saying that travel is so rewarding that it should take precedence over other things younger people spend money on. They believe travel has special benefits for the young because it broadens their horizons, helps them to find a focus for their lives, and challenges them in new ways.