Quotes from Helen Ellis

I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life.

I fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading.

A pink razor is like a mouse, where ever it is the pussy will follow.

You've got to have brains to play dumb.

Sugar, nobody's perfect. And when ladies try to be perfect, their periods stop.

If you don't know what to do with the rest of your life, make your bed. If you're going to be a couch potato, at least fluff the pillows. If you can't afford pearls, red nail polish is your best accessory. If you don't have time to do your nails, smile and stand up straight.

I cry because I don't have the upper-arm strength to flatiron my hair. I

Write what I know, who wants to read that? If only our apartment was haunted or I was the tiniest bit possessed by the devil.

Just because you can fit into something tight doesn't mean that you belong in it.

Mama says, " Helen Michelle, a lot of women have trouble saying no and then find themselves in worse situations because they were afraid of being rude. So, if you have trouble saying no, say 'No, thank you.' Let's practice.

Face it: you're never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.

I study long-married couples and decide that wives are like bras: sometimes the most matronly are the most supportive.

YA is about angst. Will I get that boy to like me? Will I lose the weight? Will I turn into a vampire if he just gives me a hickey? I'm an orphan! I'm a mind reader! I'm biracial! I'm gay! When I get out of high school, I'll move to New York City, where I'll find others like me, and then I'll be happy and I will have it all: a career, a family, good teeth, and takeout Chinese.

A good bra is fine, but a great bra is life changing. It gives you the confidence of a homecoming queen. It's a tiara for your ta-tas.

My novel is sponsored by Tampax. It's the story of three generations of women and spans three decades. That's a lot of menstruation. So every time a character rides the cotton pogo stick—Voilà! Tampax.

All we marrieds have a marriage chuckle. A marriage chuckle is a fake laugh you bring out when your spouse does something dumb that you have to pretend is charming. My

One of Mama's parenting mantras was: "Oh, Helen Michelle, I have yet to begin to embarrass you.

French pedicures make your toes look like fingers. You look grabby. French pedicures are for man thieves.

I want a book genre called "It's not chick lit. It's lit, bitch!

There's nothing nicer than unexpected appreciation. If you're grateful, get a pen.

I looked so preppy you'd guess my tramp stamp was a monogram

the only thing with less character than Chardonnay is wainscoting.

I wore all black because I myself am a pop of color.

I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life.