Quotes from Helen Ellis

I break into a sweat when I find a Sharpie cap, but not the pen.

You don't have to chase every bird that you see.

It's amazing that the city we live in allows "pets" that belong in a sideshow, but makes it illegal for me to have a switchblade.

At casinos, I see senior citizens grazing on slot machines clad in a trend that I call toddling. Toddling is dressing like a toddler: clamdiggers and a cotton top, no belt, mall-walking sneakers. It's a look that says, I give up. Or, I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me anymore. I'm not sure which.

I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life. I fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading. I think I couldn't love my husband more, and then he vacuums all the glitter.

There's nothing nicer than unexpected appreciation. Hallmark doesn't make a card for everything, so sometimes we make a judgment call. No, I don't mean texting. My motto is: if you're grateful, get a pen.

If someone asks you a question that's too personal, say, "Once, in college." Try to live a life worth impersonating by a drag queen. Name your Starbucks self Rihanna. Flash yourself in your mirror. Take as many bikini pool shots as you possibly can because Sarong City is closer than you think.

She's sweet" means Asperger's. "She's outdoorsy" means lesbian. "Hmm" is Southern Lady code for: I don't agree with you but am polite enough not to rub your nose in your ignorance. "Nice talking with you" is code for: Party's over, now scoot.

Accept it: you're too old to drink more than one drink and sleep through the night. Face it: you're never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.

Etiquette for phone solicitors: "Helen Michelle, the way you stop someone from calling again is by saying, 'Thank you so much for calling, but I've just murdered my husband and need to finish digging a hole in the backyard. Good-bye.

Fearing cold and flu season, I fist-bump the credit card signature pad.

but there were ceiling fans, which is my idea of nature.

first choice had been to rent a cabin in the woods, but that is too much nature. I don't do cabins in the woods because I have seen too many movies about cabins in the woods. If someone wants to murder me, they are going to have to get past reception.

My sense of humor will be a ray of sunshine if our plane death-spirals into the frozen tundra

If a man doesn't kiss you, he doesn't want to kiss you. If a man doesn't kiss you on the mouth, he doesn't find you attractive. A fist bump is not a kiss. An ass pat is not a kiss. Don't trust a man who keeps your kisses a secret.

All my life, I'd thought of having kids with the seriousness that I'd thought of taking a ceramics class. When I finally took one and came home with three beautifully glazed but warped bowls, my husband said: "You're not going to turn into a lady who makes pots, are you?" I was not. I kept the bowls and display them proudly—one holds fruit, one batteries, one loose change—but I had no interest in making anything else.

Because it turns out, "If it happens, it happens" is Southern Lady Code for we don't want kids.