Quotes from Bob Mortimer

You can have a mate for 30 years, it's easy.

I saw Alan Davies on a show from the London Palladium and he did a nice routine about having kids or whatever. I couldn't do that.

The more cynical commentators on our careers would say that the northern accent has been the basis of our success. There's a certain authenticity to the voice - which isn't to my credit; I was just born there.

I hate every moment of live performance.

After your heart fails, you just feel really vulnerable for a while. You just want telly and your little house. Then, suddenly, three, four months have passed.

I've been brewing my own beer with this ex-army bloke.

I don't think 'Shooting Stars' has ever successfully been replaced.

I like having something I can watch every single night. It suits my habits.

I love 'Big Brother.' I adore it. What can I say. It just suits me fine.

I go on 'Sunday Brunch' and Simon Rimmer's mashed potato is like heaven.

I used to like getting cups and putting tiny bits of food and liquids in them. I'd grow mould plumes in the dark wardrobe of my little back bedroom. Not to eat them, mind - just to admire the growing power.

When I was young, having a heart bypass was, 'Woooh!'

It's like cooks don't watch cooking programmes - I suppose maybe comedians don't watch comedy shows.

I hate dinner parties, you know, can't stand them. Friends don't bother inviting me any more, because they know I won't come. I could never think of anything to say between courses - it's a confidence thing, I suppose.

I want people to watch us and think, 'They're idiots. They're clowns,' I want them to watch us and think Tommy Cooper or Spike Milligan.

After heart surgery you can go two ways, you can kind of get scared, shrink on to your sofa and keep yourself safe, or you can engage with life again. I probably was in danger of taking the first option.

There are a lot of famous people who started out with us and became stars and I wouldn't swap my life with theirs for one second.

Rheumatoid arthritis generally happens when your immune system attacks your joints, but I've had it attack my iris.

I am allowed one matchbox-sized piece of cheese a week.

I don't think old posh is as intimidating as new posh, is it?

I don't believe in credit or loans.

Darts is bad.

You know the thing I liked about fishing when I was 14 was being out with your mates mucking about, throwing bread around, getting a bit wet maybe.

I've started to get iritis, which affects the eyes. But I'm not going to give in.