Quotes from Bob Mortimer

Our comedy is just falling over, funny faces, arguments, all the comedy basics, really.

That's the thing, you see, we were never good enough to write proper punchlines.

Families At War' is a show we are very proud of. It was a great show.

The wife and the kids provide my exercise, but I have to be careful because I have rheumatoid arthritis all over my body.

I don't feel scared about death, I just feel so frustrated and sad to think I won't see how stories end. My children's story. My wife's. The football. All the stories going on in the world that you're going to miss the end of.

When they told me I had to have a heart operation, my main memory is standing in my kitchen and thinking what I would really miss was my little tea towel. Not for one minute did I think, 'Oh, I'm going to really miss performing.' The things you're going to miss are your wife, your egg cup, your seat that you sit in to watch TV.

I get tempted to do a reality show because I enjoy them so much.

Performing in front of an audience gives you an extra ten per cent energy and the chance to react to the instant feedback.

When you've had a heart thing, a lot of the problems are psychological.

I'd always wanted to do something about football, so I did the podcast.

House of Fools,' that was the first thing I was sad that we couldn't do any more.

When you have a house full of children, there's never a quiet moment, so I like getting out in the garden for a bit of time to myself.

Comedy, if it didn't save my life, certainly gave me a very different life.

I wouldn't wish it on people but there is a positive side to a near-death experience. People used to ask me do you fancy doing this or that - and it was like I had a file of reasons in my head for not doing things. I would riffle through it until I found one. But I've dropped that.

There is a theory in showbiz circles that mentally you remain the same age as when you first tasted fame, and I think there is a grain of truth in this.

At one point I was putting 17 sugars in my tea. I know it's unbelievable and I do wonder sometimes what my mum was thinking to allow it. The weirdest thing was that if I had 18 teaspoons it was too sweet.

I sometimes wonder, with the Oxbridge comics, the broadcasters seem to say, at some point, now I trust you to do a documentary, you can be the voice for a maths show, or whatever. I don't think we're ever considered in that way.

With everything, 'Shooting Stars' included, we'll just have some words on a card to prompt us - 'How would Rod Stewart die,' that kind of thing - and we'll just run with that idea, as if we were talking to each other, messing around. And I'm no scholar of these things, but I think that's what double acts should do, isn't it?

They asked me to go on 'Hell's Kitchen' but I'm banned from reality TV by my wife. She's not up for that kind of tomfoolery.

Before I had my heart problem, if I was asked to do something I would look through a mental file looking for reasons why I could say no.

I have always been a bit of a recluse, but I really was after the heart thing. And everyone knew.

Other people just look so comfortable with a book in their hands - I never feel like that.

I eat a tin of sardines every day.

If you want the best audience, make your way up North to be honest.