Quotes from Bo Burnham

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor.

If I was confronted with some 20-year-old American hotshot, I'd hate him.

I didn't want to bash young people. I don't want to bash a kid for dreaming or wanting something or being slightly ambitious - that's not the problem. The actual problem is with the culture surrounding him.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

I think I wear my hypocrisy on my sleeve. I would never say I'm not a complete hypocrite.

You can give poor people this royal wedding to watch and make them feel good about themselves, or you can give them something useful like, I don't know... a toaster.

I don't think I've had a job since I worked for my father's construction company.

I just look at Miley Cyrus, and I'm like, 'Great, you've doubled your audience. But you've also doubled the number of people that hate you, and doesn't that hurt?' It takes a crazy person not to be affected by that.

You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you.

Your hard work and talent will not pay off.

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

I do weird things, and people watch.

I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear, and that's what makes it comedy.

I was definitely not the kid that just wanted to be famous for no reason whatsoever and then happened to find comedy. Fame and all that stuff have always been slightly terrifying to me, and it makes me very anxious.