Quotes from Bert Kreischer

Busch Gardens was my theme park; it was where I went on my day off from school.

I'm a comedian. I want you to laugh. That's my main goal. I punch things up to get things tighter, quicker and get you to the joke faster.

No matter how successful I may get, I'll always be a failed musician, sitting at a concert double-fisting overpriced twenty-ounce beers, wishing it was me on stage brooding soulfully to my fans. I had my shot once, but I let it slip through my fingers.

Skydiving is fascinating, the best part is cruising in the air and realizing that the dice has been thrown and you're either going to die or not. It's a very helpless feeling but it's so freeing.

Doing a reality show is like being in a fraternity.

When I was on 'Hurt Bert' on FX - and I'm not crapping on FX, I'm just being honest - there was a point when I realized that they didn't care if I died. If I died, they'd say 'Of course it's a legal thing, but think of the numbers.'

I'm a big believer in saying things out loud, I think he that helps you focus your goals.

I'm just kind of a regular guy.

I love going on other people's podcasts - in my opinion not enough people ask me to be guests!

I am not a big fan of very prepared standup. I like when Dave Attell writes and I appreciate it but I much more enjoy with he does crowd work. I'm not that kind of comic that prepares a specific set. If I see a comic do the same prepared set night after night I am so bored.

I love touring. I love stand up. I love getting on a tour bus with my friends.

My second freshman year of college, that's year two of seven, my father got very sick and though he was going to die. He gave me a Rolex, a bottom of the line one. I wore that watch everyday. He didn't die. On my 40th birthday, he gave me a very nice Rolex that belonged to him. That's the one thing we connect on: the watch.

I did nine years with Travel Channel and had all of these incredible experiences.

I adopted a motto: Never say no. Jim Morrison never said no, Kurt Cobain never said no. You couldn't have great things to write about if all you did was sit in your living room with your roommates talking about the phone bill.

I'm the guy who needs to be front and center. I joined a fraternity to do that.

My personality has gotten me some really good job interviews in New York.

When people think of New York, they don't automatically think of going to Chelsea Piers and Pier 40, where you're going to find a soccer field, a baseball field, the trapeze and bowling alleys.

The Travel Channel named me the professional fun seeker, and that's exactly what I am.

My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, 'Bert the Adventurer.' I spent seven years away from my family. I don't regret the job or working for the channel; I regret being away from home.

I don't have that kind of brain where I can spell-check.

I love giggling more than anything in the world. It's my favorite thing in the world to do.

I'd love to be a movie star. That'd be great. But I lost the looks awhile ago. They slipped right through my hands like sand in an hourglass.

I need someone to be like, 'I can beat Bert in a marathon.' And then my Mickey Mantle genes will kick in and I'll start going, 'No you can't. You can't beat me, because I'll beat myself.'

I was in New York City and my sister and cousin came out to see me, and I brought a guitar on stage. But all the audience wanted was for me to play so they weren't listing to anything I was saying, I bombed hard. On the cab ride home, my sister pulled a sticker off the cab and put it on my guitar which I still have today in my man cave.