Quotes from Jeff Garlin

I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week.

Acting's fine if the script's written by Paddy Chayefsky and Martin Scorsese directs it, but unless you have something like that, I don't really enjoy acting.

Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings.

I have gone to many theaters where it is so unpleasant with the commercials before the movie, the volume, and the disrespect of the filmgoers. So I understand people not wanting to go to the theater.

I'm from Chicago and it's a huge influence on me.

If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh.

I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David.

I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do.

I'm a freak for great movies. I love movies.

My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate.

The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I'm saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don't owe me a thing.

I don't care what I do - act, stand-up, write, direct - it doesn't matter as long as I'm being creative and it's good work.

I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip.

By the way, to perform in front of Don Rickles, it 's not nerve-wrecking. It 's enjoyable, i am enjoying Jeff Garlin. I hope I perform in front of Don Rickles every night of my life !

I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit.

For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey.

I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting.

Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself.

As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money.

I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig.

I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not.

Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine!

Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains.