Quotes from Tiffany Haddish

I love Groupon. I just got a pedicure because of Groupon, and it was the best pedicure ever. I'm going to write a review!

I always feel like when I work with people, I work with everybody - from the person that's working the camera to the person that's running the water to the person that's putting the clothes on me, the person that's combing my hair, my makeup, the person that's like, 'You gotta sign these papers.' I try to hang out with everybody.

I don't mean to be so sensitive, but that's just who I am. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

There've been times I felt like, 'I don't know if I want to do this.' That maybe I should go back to school and become a special-education teacher. But I love entertaining.

When I was young, people used to be like, 'You look just like Halle Berry - out of Losing Isaiah.' I don't care; she was still beautiful in that movie!

For any women trying to do comedy, I would suggest you do one thing every day towards your goal. First, you figure out what it is you want to accomplish. Don't be afraid to set a new goal every day, but every single day, do one thing towards your goal, and you will achieve it.

Everybody the same: We all got problems. We all want to be loved. We all wanna be happy.

I wanna meet Meryl Streep, so she can be my mama. I want Meryl Streep to be my mom in a movie.

I do have esteem issues when it comes to reading and writing. I always feel kind of self-conscious about letting people read something that I wrote, because the last thing I wanna hear is, 'You spelled everything wrong.'

When I pick my greens, right, I smile. I smile when I pick the greens, and when I wash the greens, I smile. Then when I cut them up, I smile. And then when I cook them, I smile. They call it joyful greens.

I surf. I would love to do a remake of 'Gidget.' It could be, like, black 'Gidget.'

I've always been outwardly personal. I've always been that chick. A lot of my friends be like, 'TMI, Tiffany, TMI.' I just feel like it's important to share your experience on this Earth, because you never know who's watching, who might be going through the same thing, who might feel devastated.

People always tell me, 'You should do drama. You should do drama.' Even when I first got an agent, they were like, 'We want to send you out to be dramatic.' And I'm like, 'No. I'm a comedian. I'm funny. I want to do funny stuff.'

Any comedic roles that I've gone out for usually end up going to a white woman or a gay man instead.

There are a lot of comedians that were bullied and picked on, and that's why they became comedians. Survival of the fittest.

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't become Mr. Universe because he went to the gym every now and then. He did it on a regular basis. It's the same thing with comedy. I try to perform seven nights a week.

The last bag that I bought myself was a Madden Girl backpack that's really cute. And it was on sale for $45! I'm probably going to be cheap with my money for a long time.

When I was younger, I barely talked. I was scared of people. I had to learn how to cultivate that confidence.

As far as ever wanting to give up, there have been a few times where I thought, 'Man, am I even good enough to do this?' Because people have said things to me like, 'You're too pretty. You shouldn't do comedy. Go ahead and get pregnant by a rich guy and chill.'

I feel like a foster kid that's been in the system for a long time, and then at 16, somebody adopted them and said, 'You can go to college, and you ain't got to pay no student loans.' I feel happy. I feel accepted after all these years of blood, sweat, and tears.

I danced for, like, 11 years at bar mitzvahs and executive parties. I'm a professional energy producer. I produce energy, baby.

When my people are dying, that's when you gonna catch me protesting. I'm not gonna protest because somebody got offered not the amount of money they wanted to get offered. If you don't like what they're offering you, just no longer do business with them.

No matter what the situation, I try to have fun. I get pulled over by the police, I'm like, 'Oh, this going to be the best arrest ever.' And I end up making friends with these police officers.

I'm open to whatever God puts in front of me and makes my heart pitter patter.