Quotes from Augusten Burroughs

And if I said because I'm a witch, they'd think I was crazy.' 'That's exactly right,' she confirmed. 'Because everybody knows witches aren't real.' She nodded. 'Yes.' 'Except they really are real.' She continued nodding. 'Mm-hmm.' 'But you also told me Santa and the tooth fairy were real.' 'Those were lies,' she said. 'But they're lies every parent tells their children. So they're not really lies so much as a script.' 'I slept with teeth under my pillow, so it seems like a lie to me.

We tried to everything right, now we were forced to do everything wrong and it was working.

I wanted to shove her typewriter on the floor. I hated it and I hated her. I wanted to be a Cosby.

As my friend Amy observed: Divorce is like a Polaroid picture. What truly happened will develop over time and you will see.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I hated drinking to the point that I misplaced really big slabs of time.

for me it provided a kaleidoscopic view of everything that was wrong with me. I could already feel it opening all the windows in my hear, giving me a panoramic view of my flaws

Only by embracing all that you regret and not denying it, only by placing the highest value on what you've gained because of all you've lost, does regret lose the ability to cripple you.

It is an awful, just sickening feeling, I discovered, to live with somebody, to exist in the midst of sharing a life, only to realize it is utterly doomed. It was botulism of the soul. I'd had such ambition for building a life together, because I wanted that strength of character and security. But I had overlooked the most important thing: he wasn't right for me. I wasn't right for him. Merely wanting us to be right and good together wasn't enough.

If you don't like smoking don't even bother getting sober, just stay drunk.

When I was ten years old, I realized I'd been kidnapped as a toddler. Of course, I would have to have been a fairly dim child to miss the clues. Great big pink-elephant clues, trumpeting and lumbering and shitting through the house, ignored by everyone except me.

As I sat in the hot, salty water, I thought, 'No wonder Mr. Bubble always gave me a urinary tract infection and hives.' Mr Bubble was for common people. Mr. Bubble was for my so-called brother, their true child. I was a Vanderbilt. I should bathe in condiments and seasonings. It was in my Vanderbilt genes.

As far as I'm concerned, baldness is the male breast cancer, only much worse because almost everyone gets it. True, it's not life-threatening. Just social-life threatening. But in New York City, there is no difference.

After Olestra (may cause anal leakage), people are a tad suspicious about products that do things that are too good to be true in the natural world. I tell this to the account people, and they say, But it comes from trees! To which I reply, Yes and so does napalm and rubber cement. But that doesn't mean I'm going to spread them on my English muffin.

How could something have no end, and if it had no end exactly where did it leave us?

If i wasn't an accident mustn't I be a crushing disappointment?

We were alone together, we were an us.

In fact, you can be a very honest person and yet not be living a truthful life. And not even realize it. This matters because stripping away all the inaccuracies, misunderstandings, and untruths that surround you is exactly how you can overcome anything at all. Truth is accuracy. Without accuracy, you can't expect to manifest large, specific changes in your life.

My worth depended on where exactly the decimal was placed among the zeroes.

How can you really miss something when you never experienced it?

Sometimes, people avoid recognizing how they feel because they believe the feelings are a part of them, and admitting to harboring anger or jealousy feels like admitting to a physical flaw. So certain feelings are denied. Which is something like believing your house is clean as long as you don't peek under the beds.

It is always safe to see yourself truthfully. You never have to be ashamed of yourself, with yourself.

As I move along the line, other food items are plunked onto my tray: a small salad of iceberg lettuce and bacos, a slice of white bread with a pat of Hotel Holiday butter and blob of red Jell-O with fruit cocktail trapped inside. Instantly, I feel compassion for the trapped fruit.

My grandfather blasted in. Aw now, hell, carolyn, don't go twisting the boy back up in knots all over again now that you finally got him straightened out. They aren't leprechauns, son. they're elves. Leprechauns are those little drunk motherfuckers from Ireland.

Tengo tendencia a la envidia. Es una de mis tres emociones por defecto, los otros son la codicia y la ira. También he experimentado la compasión y la generosidad, pero sólo fugazmente y por lo general en estado de ebriedad, por lo que no tengo mucho recuerdo sobre eso.