Quotes from Jim Norton

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

If the show is going really well and the comedian is still annoyed with the audience, chances are he's a Boston comic. That's the beauty of Boston comics.

You know, a comedian's comedian is just that - it's a guy who's original and funny and can make comics laugh.

Well, audiences will laugh at a lot of things that comedians won't.

You just have to believe in what you're saying and be able to explain why you said it. There's nothing I say that I can't back up or at least explain why I came to that conclusion, so I'm not afraid of getting in trouble.

A lot of times the mainstream public loves something, critics will hate it and then they'll think the public is stupid and they're above the public.

I wanted to do a talk show that reminded me of the old school ones I loved as a kid, without all the fake enthusiasm and sound bite-driven conversations.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

Being a harsh, dirty comic, the last person on earth I ever expected to help my career was Jay Leno. I had always thought of performing on 'The Tonight Show' as an unachievable goal, because I bought into the myth that only squeaky clean, family-friendly material would be welcome there.

I date but nothing really long term. I haven't had much luck. I probably haven't met the right woman. Most probably know to stay away from me.

I am a degenerate, and I know that.

The one curse in America is that we deny who we really are and what we like.

Realize that doing comedy is only going to make your depression worse.

I know that I have a good career and I'm really busy, but there's always that part of my mind that's like, 'You're not doing enough, nobody knows you're alive, you're failing.'

Don Lemon is one of my favorites. I love him.