Quotes from Rob Delaney

It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.

I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came up with myself more and I enjoyed making people laugh more than making people cry or think.

It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up, so I sort of try to subversively undercut that.

The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were.

I want people to feel good about themselves.

I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

I hate wearing suits and ties.

Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.

I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say "Yes" and hand me a chicken leg, or "No" and slap me with an old fish.

In real life, I am alarmingly boring.

But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.

With Twitter, you just want to make people laugh in their meeting; on stage, people have paid for their tickets with their hard-earned money, so I owe them the truth as I experience it.

I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell the audience - and I love that!

I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff, and I loved to laugh and make people laugh.

In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame.

Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.

My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.