Quotes from Benny Hill

What we've discovered is that Americans seem to love our saucy humor.

I don't covet images or belongings. My television set and video are rented, any paintings aren't worth a fortune, and money is of little interest.

I changed it to Leslie Hill, only that seemed more like a cocktail pianist. Eventually, being an admirer of Jack Benny, I took his name.

I'm single. I don't have a family. I certainly don't have to work. I don't want to be the richest man in the cemetery.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

The mistake British comedians often make is trying to beat the Americans at their own game - getting visiting American singers on their shows, talking about 'sidewalk' instead of 'pavement,' sitting on high stools in a white dinner jacket doing ballads. That way, you simply end up with a mid-Atlantic mishmash.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

I don't do something I won't enjoy just for the money. I do it for the fun, for the joy of working.

Do unto others, then run.

That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.

I'm not against half naked girls — not as often as I'd like to be.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren't for Christmas We'd all be Jewish.

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: "Oh well," and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Don't put off till tomorrow what you could do today because if you do it today and you like it you can do it again tomorrow.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

A man who fails is funny... if my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and a delusion. What's so corrupting about that?

If you can mix glamor and gags, then you can catch the audience twice over.