Quotes from Joe R. Lansdale

Far as I knew, closest she'd gotten to art was a drafting table and dressing mannequins in store windows, and the closest I'd gotten to saving the world was my name on some petitions, for everything from recycling aluminum cans to saving the whales. I put my cans in the trash now, and I didn't know how the whales we're doing.

Aren't you embarrassed undressing in front of a queer?" Leonard said. "All you know, I might be sizing up your butthole." "Just call me a tease.

I trust the sun to rise and the sun to set, though I know one day it will do these things without me.

Era semplicemente il fiume. Improvvisamente mi colpì il pensiero che era proprio come la vita, quel fiume. Tu ci navighi semplicemente sopra e, se arriva una pioggia forte, un'inondazione o qualcosa del genere e una parte viene spazzata via, col tempo tutto torna al suo posto. Be', magari con qualcosa di diverso, ma in sostanza resta lo stesso. Il fiume non cambia, ma la gente su quel fiume sì.

Size and strength didn't intimidate Herman. As he told me later, no matter how big they grow, balls and eyes stay soft and a tire tool has no friends.

You want to know what I'm wearing?" "Not unless you think it'll really get me excited." "I'm afraid clothes have to have women in them for you to get excited." "Maybe you could talk in a high voice." "Cut through the shit, Hap.

Faccio solo finta di essere sfacciata. In realtà me la faccio addosso dalla paura. Questa cena fuori mi rende confusa. Non so se voglio davvero una storia lunga, o solo una scopata veloce. E tu?

Deep down I think I may be just like everyone else. And do you know what, Harry?" "No sir." "That bothers me.

We got some beer and some cheap wine and rented a room at a rundown motel and stayed up most of the night telling lies and a few sad truths that we hoped the other would think were lies.

All us humans are fouled on both ends. One we shit out of, and the other we talk shit out of.

Jim Bob looked at his watch. "I got time to get there and shower up, put on some smell-good, buy a couple packs of rubbers, and meet my barrel racer." "Couple packs of rubbers," Brett said. "Very romantic." "Ah, honey, I'm taking her to dinner first, and I always let the woman put the rubber on, and I think two packs is enough. And don't worry. I need an extra pack, I can send her to the drugstore. I got a bicycle in the garage.

But to lose my idealism, to quit believing in the ability of human beings to rise above their baser instincts, was to become old and bitter and of no service to anyone, not even myself.

Who ever said keeping the law of the Lord is peaceable work? The devil brings a sword and I bring a sword back to him. It is the will of the Lord and I am his servant.

You're brooding, Leonard, my friend. What's the problem?" "I blew it with Fitzgerald." "I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. It was more like a nuclear disaster.

A furia di provarci, comincio a pensare che il fatto di tentare senza mai riuscirci sia parte di me, proprio come quello che invece riesco a fare

You paying good money?" "For what?" "Information, asshole. You was the one said it." "Depends on the information. But please, I had asshole legally dropped from my name. "That was a mistake.

We broke and ran. The squirrel, however, was not a quitter. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that it was in fact gaining on us, and Leonard's cussing was having absolutely no effect, other than to perhaps further enrage the animal, who might have had Baptist leanings. We

Problem with trying to be rational all the time is the other fellow ain't always concerned with how logical your argument is.

I can't stand a damn liar and have no respect for one. But an artful exaggerator always gets my full attention and my undying respect. —Nat Love

but a drunk doesn't care about what's been said before, he cares about now and about how he feels, dragging that stuff up is like putting on a good old blues song you've heard a hundred times. You know the words, but it still does you good.

My new companion was one of the worst cooks I have ever known. I thanked him for the meal, and since all I had to offer was some conversation, that's what we did. His name was Cullen, but he kept referring to himself as the Former House Nigger, as if it were a rank akin to general.

A ogni modo, le sigarette non mi piacciono. Il mio vecchio non era forse uscito a comprare le sigarette per non tornare piú? Insomma: le sigarette dànno fastidio, provocano il cancro e fanno sparire la gente.

Shit, I could jerk you up from there, pop you like a whip. Pop you so hard your snatch will snap off and smack the wall." "So," Vanilla said. "How was charm school?

Now, in the living of my life, I've killed deadly men and dangerous animals and made love to four Chinese women, all of them on the same night and in the same wagon bed, and one of them with a wooden leg, which made things a mite difficult from time to time.