Quotes from Jay London

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

You know what burns me? Matches.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I was born nine months premature.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.