Quotes from Neil Simon

Never have so many given so much for so long for so little for so few for so seldom.

Sure it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them. Blanche Somethings you forgive, somethings you never forgive. Kate

Y]ou're young. Young takes care of everything.

A writer without confidence is like a metaphor without something to compare itself to.

You're a witness. You're always standing around watching what's happening, scribbling in your book what other people do. You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight. Any fight. The one you believe in. Until you do, you'll never be a writer, Eugene.

I'm getting chest pains...You give me chest pains Uncle Willie. It's my fault you get excited. Yes, it's your fault! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays. So come on Tuesdays.

Writing is an escape from a world that crowds me. I like being alone in a room. It's almost a form of medication- an investugation of my own life. It has nothing to do with I've got to get another play2

Don't listen to those who say, you are taking too big a chance. Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head ...

I don't like to see Shakespeare in a theater. I like to see Shakespeare in the park.

You like a cracker? What kind of cracker? Graham, chocolate, cocoanut, whatever you want. Maybe just a plain cracker. I don't have plain crackers. I got graham, chocolate and cocoanut. Alright, a graham cracker. They're in the kitchen, in the closet. Maybe later.

Wow, this is so great. Snow in New York, isn't it romantic? Only if you love empty theaters.

Nothin' sweeter than danger, boys, am I right?

Oh, well this month we're sold out. Completely. You could go all over town, you won't find a ticket to the show... Unless you go to the box office. He's got racks of seats.

It was a limited engagement. When they stop coming, I limit the engagement.

Evan Handler's new book is simply wonderful. He pulls you inside his life, and you come out his very close friend.

FELIX. I can't stand it, Oscar. I hate me. Oh, boy, do I hate me. OSCAR. You don't hate you. You love you. You think no one has problems like you. FELIX. Don't give me that analyst jazz. I happen to know I hate my guts. OSCAR. Come on, Felix; I've never seen anyone so in love. FELIX. (Hurt) I thought you were my friend. OSCAR. That's why I can talk to you like this. Because I love you almost as much as you do.

But you'll see producers and theatre owners with a billion dollars worth of theaters come in here for lunch and you know why? Because it's cheap. You see those pictures on the wall? All young actors and actresses who you will never hear about in your life... And when 'dis place is gone, the entire Broadway will slide into the East River.

OSCAR. ( With a pointing finger. ) I'm warning you. You want to live here, I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you and I don't want to smell your cooking. Now get this spaghetti off my poker table. FELIX. Ha! Haha! OSCAR. What the hell's so funny? FELIX. It's not spaghetti. It's linguini! (OSCAR picks up the plate of linguini, crosses to the doorway, and hurls it into the kitchen. ) OSCAR. Now it's garbage!

Food used to be so good. I used to love food. I haven't eaten food since I was thirteen years old...I haven't had a real piece of bread in thirty years. If I knew what was going to happen, I would have saved some rolls when I was a kid.

Ma knew what was goin' on. She could tell if there was salt missin' from a pretzel.

Number 2 son: I don't hear nothin. What do you hear? Inspector Wang: Double negative and dog.

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement...Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.

I understand. You work very hard two days a week and you need a five-day weekend. That's normal.

Nathan Lane always wanted to play Oscar. When he came in the first day, he already knew his lines. He said he'd known them since he was 18.