Quotes from Neil Simon

It's always painful when you're writing memoirs because you've got to go through the dark places, but it gives you a chance to find out the person you really are, not the person you thought you were.

Baptists are only funny underwater.

Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement. Of course He could have made it to last longer, but you can't have everything.

The ritual of marriage is not simply a social event; it is a crossing of threads in the fabric of fate. Many strands bring the couple and their families together and spin their lives into a fabric that is woven on their children.

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

Don't listen to those who say you're taking too big a chance. [If he had], Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.

Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money.

Sports is the only entertainment where, no matter how many times you go back, you never know the ending.

If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably havenÂ't been born yet.

When its 100 degrees in New York, it's 72 in Los Angeles. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles it's still 72. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and 72 in Los Angeles.

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

Well, for what's good, you have to go somewhere else. But for what Mother used to make, dis is da place...

I mean, if you give in when you're eighteen and a half, you'll give in for the rest of your life, don't you think?

Did you ever see Pearl's family album? There are no pictures of me as a boy. I skipped right over it. Thousands of pictures of you on bicycles, on ponies, in barber chairs...one picture of me in a 1938 Buick. I looked like Herbert Hoover.

OSCAR. Don't you know what's happening to the old gang? It's breaking up. Everyone's getting divorced....I swear, we used to have better games when we couldn't get out at night.

It's amazing how flabby you get when you're happy.

CONNIE: You don't even have to say you love me. And when you get bored, just kick me out and give me a letter of recommendation.