Quotes from Ari Shaffir

You just gotta record stuff and move on and make new material. Painters don't wait until they're in some specific gallery before they move on to the next painting.

I've fallen asleep at red lights before. Not like passed out, but like I've put the parking break on and reclined my seat and taken a nap.

I got an award for Most Improved Player for volleyball in tenth grade that I cared about a lot.

My father said that I was lower than a dog, because even a dog believes in God.

I have a running daydream about winning an Oscar and giving my speech about how ridiculous it is to rank art. And then I'd call them all sycophants and leave the statue at the podium as I walked away.

It's not like I have campaigns, I don't want to be an activist or anything.

Once I started getting more successful, I just stopped caring completely - 'I'll just do exactly what I want. It doesn't matter.'

I'm just a weird mix of immature and intelligent and I like to share my point of view and who I am.

I think you're a comedian as soon as you start. I don't think there's a moment where you become a full comic.

One thing I hate in ethnic comedy is giving the audience the opportunity to laugh in a racist way at a thing. A lot of times dwarf comedians will do that, Arab comics, and gay comics will do it; everyone is laughing, but they're not laughing at the joke, they're laughing at this crazy character.

I'm pretty much only friends with comedians.

Very rarely are you going to see a story about a comic winning a fight. Yeah we're all degenerates in some way and we're all awful people, so we just show our weaknesses.

That anonymity that comes with talking in front of a crowd of people you've never met allows you to reveal anything, because you don't really have to associate with any one of them.

When people tell me to do a clean show, I'm like, 'Guys, I don't even understand your thoughts anymore.' What, you can't say a curse word? Nobody thinks that way!

Everyone in L.A. talks about getting an agent or a manager in terms of getting on a sitcom or getting on a movie or doing something else.

I don't vote and I don't follow who's trying to rule us. The revolution is coming. Until then, I'll just watch 'Game of Thrones.'

No astronauts look like George Clooney.

To me, every time it goes badly I see it as a good thing - because that means I'm one step closer to where I want to be.

I never had good grades until I dropped out of religion. And then suddenly, my grades went up.

The only threat is a growing pushback from militant liberals who seek to destroy free expression as they look to limit the speech of anyone who has feelings they find objectionable. It makes comics tentative to push boundaries and freely talk about the thoughts in their heads. That part is terrible for development.

I used to get a lot of death threats. After a while I realized that no one's gonna do anything or they would've.

I definitely recommend keeping frozen corn dogs in your freezer.

Bill Burr, Freddy Soto, Joe Rogan, Tom Segura... those people influenced me a lot more than any of the older guys like Richard Pryor.

I hate being rejected.