Quotes from Ari Shaffir

My CD, my first release, was at the Comedy Works in Denver, one of the best clubs in the country.

The worst is when you bomb and when you bomb in front of someone you're trying to impress. That's the worst.

As long as you have your own apartment and you can pretty much make rent for the next year, you're golden!

Being Orthodox Jewish is kind of like being raised on like network sitcoms.

I'm a bit of an introvert, so after talking for an hour and then shaking hands and taking pictures with the people who came out, I kind of need to be alone for a bit to get away from all stimuli.

I'm a cultural Jew, I was raised with it, so I'm still into it, like gefilte fish with kugel.

Leonard Cohen kept his Jew name. He's so cool. It's too bad he died.

When Joe Rogan started his podcasts he'd have me, Joe Diaz, and all our friends help him for the first few. And I told him 'Dude, no one will listen to audio that's over an hour long. You've got to end it at 59:59 or less.' And I was way wrong.

Early on, I had a girlfriend come see me, and she was like, 'Yeah, it was good, but you were funny at a dining hall at the University of Maryland.' That's when I realized I was contrived. I was reciting jokes. So I really worked on - no matter what - sounding like I was just talking to the people.

Marc Maron yells at people. I have a memory of him yelling at Jonah Ray from offstage about something he was saying, just fun stuff.

I love gummy bears, pretzels of all kinds, popcorn, Doritos - those are all healthy snacks.

I'm not intentionally dirty. It just kind of happens. It's not like I'm a shock comic who's looking to walk people.

If I focus solely on developing new material, then I can get a new 45 minute to an hour in about six months. Then I'll work on it and work on it and can make it killer within another six months or so.

At The Comedy Store, night after night, the crowds are fuller. It used to be Tuesday at 9 you'd have to start with six people. Now you come in on Tuesdays and it's 100-plus people and you're like, 'Really? On a Tuesday?'

Failing is part of my process. A new bit never works the first time. I figure I have to bomb 7 times to make it good. So I tweak it.

I know how lazy I am. So if I have to go somewhere else I can't get to easily, I talk myself out of it.

Laughs, just laughs. It's the only motivation of a comic.

The biggest thing I lost when I left religion was that sense of community and the culture. It was an unexpected kind of free-falling. When I was in it, I didn't understand how much the community was a part of my life.

Stage fright is a real thing. It's debilitating to some people.

Figure out a way to get back onstage because once you do it a few times you'll get over it. Unless it's like a clinical thing. I don't know about clinical like stage fright, that might be worse than what I'm talking about. But if it's normal stage fright get over it.

Sometimes I start off shows by explaining to people that it's just a bunch of stories - I always say 'It's like standup, just less funny.'

The fact that I didn't believe in God was something that I just didn't consider. And then when I did, it was like, 'Oh yeah, I'm out.'

I'll just walk around New York and watch people on the streets.

I grew up so conservative. I grew up as an orthodox Jew.