Quotes from Nick Offerman

I keep having these bros come up to me and say, "I used to watch you when I was a fetus," and I just want to kill them.

Children are so egocentric - they want to watch their lives, and not yours.

People are afraid that they're going to upset somebody on top, and so there's a real sense of, I've got to be quiet, I don't want to be fired.

When I was in high school, I would perform every year in those plays and there was something I really loved about it. But I was completely unaware that you could sort of get into an acting career.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He's a grown man, fishing's not that hard.

My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois - I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that was masculinity: big hairy sweaty guys who could pick up a bus.

When I got my job on 'Parks,' it was so dreamy, kind of unfathomable. I didn't think a job that excellent could exist for me.

I like to play women who are not strong at all, because, there's certainly plenty of myself that is no kind of a warrior.

There have been a few occurrences where people in restaurants have sent me a rasher of bacon, which I am not going to turn my nose up at. I never let them down.

If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza.

I always had a lot of confidence in my work and the unique flavor I like to bring to my characters, but you know I'm not a huge dreamer.

I was drinking a lot of bourbon. I was miserable. I was starting to get work, but it wasn't remotely satisfying. It was garbage compared to the theater I was doing.

The quest for the next key art awards begins with tomorrow's hangover

I think that purity creates not only a higher level of artistic vision but a purer work ethic.

For years I drove a big Ford F250 pickup. That was my ride because two-thirds of my work was wood work, and I'm always driving up to Northern California, where I harvest salvaged trees.

I spent a lot of my youth working outside in the elements, and I kind of revel in defeating tough weather.

My wife happens to be probably the greatest working woman in comedy. I can't think of anyone who even approaches her achievements and her abilities.

My education began in theater school, and it continues to this day. I just continued learning to be a better performer.

I've learned through experience that to trouble celebrities with my handshake doesn't do anybody any good.

I worked a lot in Chicago's theater scene as a fight choreographer. And so I do have a lot of experience in stage combat and also in Kabuki dance and Kabuki theater.

Before people figured out I was funny, I got cast quite a bit as either a rapist or serial killer or the guy who catches those people.

I would like Americans to make things with their hands. Thomas Jefferson and I feel that makes for a much stronger nation.

It's funny, growing up there was never anybody around me with any kind of artistic bent.

It's funny, growing up there was never anybody around me with any kind of artistic bent.