Quotes from Dave Attell

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I have no grand scheme.

I don't watch reality TV.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

I'm not like a performer type.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.